Chicken Stew

Rise to the challenge!

2007-05-24T10:27:00.000-05:00

no explanation. I just need to see that when I come here.

Context

2007-03-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

"I can no more understand Jesus apart from his Jewishness than I can understand Ghandi apart from his Indianness."

-Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew

Have I mentioned how important context is?

What's love got to do with it?

2007-02-28T11:17:00.001-06:00

No, I haven't given up on the previous post topic. I've been racking my brain and processing aloud trying to figure out where Bev and I have gotten our wires crossed. She seems to be reacting strongly to something I don't believe I have said. So I've mentioned this to several other people and there seems to be a recurring theme to the reactions I've gotten.

Somehow, people seem to be equating one's intention with one's self - hence the idea that an unfulfilled intention being irrelevant is passing judgement negatively on the person who formed the intention.

I don't buy it.

I am not my intentions. I am their originator, and I am responsible for them, but they are not me.

One reaction I had - and it really confused me as it caught me off guard - was, as I was trying to explain things:" oh, so you don't have a problem with God loving you, you just have a problem with loving yourself..." What?! I'll admit to having had self-image issues, but where did love come into the equation? I never said anything about love.

Another pulled out Song of Solomon and told me that intentions counted because" just one glance of my eye was enough to steal God's heart". Well, A: Song of Solomon is allegorical, so I'd be careful just how dogmatic I was about any interpretation, B: Unless my intention was to steal God's heart I don't see how this applies, and C: are we confusing attitude with intention?

I also was given "David was a man after God's heart". The point made here was that David messed up a lot but God still loved him because he pursued Him. Again, I don't see the connection. I love my kids regardless of whether their intentions are good or bad - and I don't love them more when they're good. I may feel other things, like pride, when I see good intentions - particularly those acted on - but my love for them doesn't change.

So, could someone please walk me through this thought process? Give me the scriptural supports and the logical progression of thought for this connection. I believe I've done a lot of digging and given plenty of backing for my point. I've defined my terms, given examples, and provided a fair bit of scriptural evidence (including context) for my point. So, in case you have forgotten it (we did get a bit off topic during the last conversation) the main point was: good intentions only have value when they are fulfilled, otherwise they are irrelevant - note: the intentions, not the person, and irrelevant, not bad. The main sub-point would be that although God does look at the heart, He does not only look at the heart - actions matter and will be judged also.

Just as another reference for that final point:

I Corinthians 3:10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. 14 If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15 If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.

Oh, and Bev, I'll take up the topic of shame in another post. I want to do my research and give you the backup for my thoughts. Feel free to do the same.

Intentions...what are they good for...?

2007-01-21T15:13:00.000-06:00

My friend Erica posted awhile back (Jan 3) in part about intentions counting for something.

Judi commented about intentions being a starting point and that we shouldn't be too quick to dismiss them.

I think I'm gonna say "yes and no" in no particular order. Here's why:

Matthew 21: 28"What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.'

29" 'I will not,' he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.

30"Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir,' but he did not go.

31"Which of the two did what his father wanted?"
"The first," they answered.

Also:

James 4:17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

I will have to agree that intentions are a starting point. But in the end I don't think they actually count for anything. I may intend to get to the store, make the reservation, call the contractor, etc. But if I don't do it my family still is hungry, has nowhere to go on holidays, and the roof will continue to have ice dams. That result will happen regardless of my intentions. They are a starting place, but if you don't actually act on them then they don't really matter, IMO. Now, if you don't have them at any time you also won't act on them - so they are a step, but a step with no value unless the next step is taken. Irrelevant.

Now, Jesus talks about the attitude of the heart being important - essential even:

Matthew 5: 27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'

28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So... we can sin without actually DOING something - taking action, but it doesn't necessarily follow that we can do good without actually doing something. Intentions, it seems, only have value when they are followed through with action.

Yeah, I know it sounds harsh. Graceless even. I know that God sees my intentions and my desire to do good. He also knows that when I fail to follow through that such is exactly what the blood of Jesus covers. I've looked. I haven't found anywhere in scripture where it says that the intentions of my heart are enough. If good intentions were enough - we wouldn't need said blood.

Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

22For in my inner being I delight in God's law;

23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

25Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Now that's not to say that good works can't come out of a badly oriented heart either:

Matthew 7: 21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'
23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

Oh, and I've had this running through my head a lot while thinking on this topic:

John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (the context of this verse has to do with knowing the truth about who Jesus is and believing what He claimed about Himself.)

I couldn't help but think that it doesn't say anywhere that good intentions will set us free. Not good works or good tries, not wanting to do what's right... but truth. True truth. Verifiable truth. Objective truth. Truth that is not from within us, but from outside.

But I digress... Truth is a topic for another day.

Oh be careful, little ears, what you hear...

2007-01-04T14:39:00.000-06:00

Warning and disclaimer: some of my readers are likely to be offended by this post. While no personal insult is intended, I suggest that you sit down with a salt shaker if you intend to pursue your curiosity and delve into the reaches of my brain.

Yes, I have once again finished a Schaeffer book. And, in spite of what may follow here, I highly recommend it. It was the easiest, least philosophically based Schaeffer book I have read so far, and it touches on many of the questions that have been looked at in earlier blog entries. This one: Joshua and the flow of Biblical History.

Here's one thing I learned from this reading which has spurred me on to the thoughts I'm about to pursue. The final test of a prophetic word is not whether or not it happens, or is true. The final test is whether or not it lines up (agrees with) the whole of Scripture.

Interesting?

Oh, you already knew that?

Well, on some level I did too, but it got me thinking about some stuff that was bugging me before, so I'm gonna tie them together.

See, I didn't grow up in a "charismatic" church. I come from a group of Christians who are notoriously bible-based. Yeah, I know that can sound "proud", but what I mean is that one of the biggest emphases is learning HOW to study the bible. How to exegete, if you will. (Exegesis: an explanation or critical interpretation of a text *Merriam-Webster) The reason for this is the idea that since God's primary communication to us is this book, we need to know how to read and interpret it if we are going to know Him.

You mean you didn't know there were legitimate and non-legitimate ways to study, explain, and interpret the Bible? Really? 'Cause I've seen a lot of folks (no, not all) who read this book with 21st century eyes without any comprehension of context - time, place, geography, culture, intent, etc. - and think nothing of it. I guess that's easy to do if you've never been taught otherwise. It's even easy to forget that if you have been taught it.

Anyway, I grew up in a church where we were taught the HOWs. I went to a Bible School that was basically a one-year-overview course on the bible, but the first thing we were taught was Bible Study Methods. Now, I'm not saying that we didn't believe that God could speak to individuals. Looking back, we certainly did believe that God could do that. But we were very strict about it lining up with scripture. You didn't see folks up at the front giving out "prophetic words" as one might see in a "charismatic" setting. Not in our grid. Where was the accountability? You might see God leading the speaker/teacher to abandon their notes for something else - but you can be certain that the biblical basis for what was being taught would be investigated, and though we had very many folks who would teach, you knew that they were all well versed in methods of study. 3-point sermons were common. We usually had outlines where we could take notes. In fact, one of the first lessons I learned at Bible School was: The best way to gain good teachers was to sit in the front row and take notes. If they think you're paying attention, they'll prepare better.

So what am I saying? That "charismatics" don't know how to read the bible? No.... But to be honest, I've met several folks who were in leadership roles - teaching others and preaching - who, in spite of a Bible School education, couldn't exegete themselves out of a paper bag. And no one was holding them accountable. No one around them seemed to know that the basis for what they were teaching was faulty. Scary for a girl who grew up with James 3:1 "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." constantly in the forefront.

What I am saying is that I've heard many prophetic words over the years as I've been in the charismatic circle. What I've never seen is any instruction on what to do with a word you've received. I've never seen anyone teach people that they need to take it back to scripture and hold it lightly. All I ever hear is "does that sound right to you?"

Then you get to the more general prophetic words. Things spoken over large groups of people. Those never seem to get examined in the light of the entire scriptures, either. Unless of course I'm just not invited to those times... I suppose that's possible.

Let's take, for instance, this "word" about how God is going to move mightily through the "under 30s." Well. If you're looking for context I shall remind you that those same words were spoken when I was under 30. Am I done now? Is God finished with me? Should I be handing over everything to the youth with the passion, zeal, and may I add time to do "the work"? Did we blow it and now it's going to take the next group to finish the job?

Well, on behalf of the "over 30s" I'm officially offended. On behalf of the patterns set up in scripture that have to do with bringing people into leadership, I'm skeptical of any plan to set up the youth in leadership and just follow them with a shovel.

What?! Where did that come from? What patterns in scripture? Well, if one is taking an approach of looking at scripture as a whole then one will find many patterns. One of which is that there is a lot of preparation that goes in before God releases folks into leadership: Moses, Joshua, Jesus (he wasn't an "under-30"), etc. Are there exceptions? Sure. I know people will be quick to mention Timothy. But remember - he was an exception to a well-established pattern. I'm not saying that God can't work through folks who are young. I'm saying that in the light of the WHOLE of the patterns of scripture that one must be careful not to assume that God is saying that.

So much of what I'm hearing today is about people wanting to "experience" God and "hear" from God for themselves. I never hear anyone saying that they want to take the time to use/learn proper study methods in order to hear what God has already said - that which they should be measuring their individual "messages" against. Sure, it's harder to decode. It takes a lot more effort. But if you don't take the time to really study (with proper methods) what He's revealed in the book, how will you truly know if what you're hearing is from Him?

As an aside, I'll give you a couple of examples of things I've heard from the pulpit taught by "bible-school-educated" men.

One taught a story from the OT and made the point of the lesson the attitude/character of the main character as evidenced by his/her actions. Problem was, the text never mentioned the motivation behind the actions. It was left purely to speculation and could have been interpreted many different ways. You can't make the lesson - the point of action - based on something the text doesn't say anything about! Even if it is a good lesson! What was even more interesting was the ferocity with which I was attacked by most of the others (it was a house-church) when I dared to challenge the teacher. They, mostly, couldn't understand my point.

Another taught on Jesus' temptation in the desert. Now, that passage is very clear about what each of the temptations referred to. This teacher decided to give them different meanings. Was he teaching us bad attitudes or lessons? No, but one of the first rules is that you use scripture to explain scripture. You can't just arbitrarily change what it says to suit your latest passion! When it says "this means this" well,... that's what it means!

So Long, Farewell,

2006-12-02T20:10:00.000-06:00

Auf Wiedersehen, Good-bye.... to all those unsightly excess pounds.

Today is the one year anniversary of my weight-loss journey. I am not quite at my goal, but I am within five pounds of reaching it. My body just feels so different.

Today I went shopping, looking for an outfit to wear to Doug's Christmas party. I told the salespeople that I had just lost a lot of weight and wasn't sure what sizes I would need. They didn't seem to grasp the magnitude of what this last year has been. Perhaps I should have told them that at this time last year I was wearing a size 15 and now I'm in a 6/7! I didn't find anything in the short time I had, but my head was swimming when I easily zipped myself into a beautiful size 6 skirt.

I'm about 45 pounds down. I either walk on my treadmill or do a Pilates workout five mornings a week. And I haven't even been sneaking any of my Christmas baking! I recognize many of my triggers - though I don't always resist them, and I'm learning how to stay on track without being overly anal about it. I'm exceedingly grateful to the support group I have around me who are on the same journey, and I've been privileged to get to know some pretty amazing women.

Maybe I'll even post a pic when I finally manage to find a suitable outfit that shows off my new curves (while maintaining a modicum of modesty).

Here's to the rest of the journey!

Something Bigger, Something Better

2006-11-11T18:03:00.000-06:00

No, not the game - although I have some interesting memories of playing that as a young adult.

We, at least here in the western world, have created a culture based on individualism. We value our independence so highly that it seems to have overshadowed other realities. It serves our desire to be selfish, at least short-term, and feeds our egos.

Well, Copernicus called... it seems that you are NOT the center of the universe! (me neither)

Here's what I'm getting at - the thing we seem to have lost: You are a part of something bigger than yourself. Several things, as a matter of fact. Ancient cultures seemed to know this. It's even part of the aboriginal "seven teachings". Yet, somehow we seem to have lost this perspective in a sea of fighting for our "rights".

What are these "bigger things"?

Well, for starters, you are a part of your family. You are a part of your community, your workplace or school. You may be part of a sports team, a church, a social club. You are a citizen of your city, province, and country. And ultimately you are a part of the human race, co-existing on this planet with other creatures designed to sustain life.

So why do we have such ridiculously low voter turnout? Why do we see such low recruitment numbers for military service? Why would kids rather run the streets aimlessly than volunteer their time? Why are so many corporations all about profit at any cost (besides monetary)? Why do we only see life's circumstances from the point of view of how it affects us?

Because we've forgotten. It's not all about me.

Personally, I'm going to try to remember. Maybe I can even make this "something bigger" into "something better".

Life...

2006-11-02T12:27:00.000-06:00

...and that more abundantly.(from John 10:10)

Ever get tripped up on that idea?

What images come to mind when you think of abundant life? Prosperity? Happiness? Health?

I wonder if we sometimes grab on to the word "abundant" and choose only the simple definition of life as being the antithesis of death. What exactly is life?

I looked it up (yeah, big surprise) and I was going to give you the plethora of meanings I found, but the very first one was where I was heading with this, so I'll just give you that one.

Life: the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

Isn't that a truly rich definition? I mean, look at us! We're designed to grow, reproduce, and adapt to our environment! And Jesus said that he came so that we could do that "more abundantly" - or "to the full" depending on your translation.

So... what does that mean? Really, Cindy, you've gotten all excited about this because...

Because... this means that the circumstances of life, both good and bad, have a purpose. We're designed to mature (grow) and though I won't bore you with why things need challenges in order to grow strong, I will still mention it for your meditative pleasure.

Not only that - we're designed to reproduce. Now, I'm no biologist, but I think that living things need to attain a certain level of maturity before they're able to reproduce. Hence, the circumstances of life again are necessary to our basic purpose.

And, we can adapt to our environment. Get that! We're designed to learn, grow, mature, reproduce, and adjust to what's around us. That, my friends, is life.

So, if I'm understanding this correctly, we can stop questioning God's motives when the tough things come and instead see them for the tools they are. We can let them shape our characters, and as we do so we can pass that on and continue to adapt. This is what we were made for! And Jesus came so we could have more!

..."give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess. 5:18

What?... I never said it would be easy...

Come to think of it, neither did He.

Book Tag

2006-09-18T15:51:00.000-05:00

Well, Erica, I'm finally getting around to your tag. Now that I can be read.

So, here goes...

A book that changed my life: The Bride - Rhonda Calhoun. It's an allegory based primarily on Song of Solomon that truly helped me bridge the difficulty I was having with relating to God both as Father and Bridegroom.

A book I read more than once: The Singer Trilogy (The Singer, The Song, The Finale) - Calvin Miller. This may be my favorite thing to read! It's another allegory of the life of Christ (The Singer), the church (The Song) , and the end times (The Finale). And it's all poetry. Beautiful! Do cookbooks count? 'Cause I've got a serious addiction to "Company's Coming". I have 28 of them. No, I don't need an intervention.

A book I would want on a desert island: How to build an unsinkable boat. Comes with full project kit including tools and motor. Just add water! Also titled "Boatbuilding for Dummies". Oh, and I'm sure that Company's Coming must have a book for Desert Island Cooking, don't ya think?

A book that made me laugh: The Far Side - Gary Larson - just about any of 'em. Although Adrian Plass does have a way of making you run for the loo... Oh, and "The Proverbs 31 Lady and Other Impossible Dreams" - Marsha Drake.

A book that made my cry: A Deeper Shade of Grace - Bernadette Keaggy. It recounts their journey with infertility and miscarriage. Also a multiple read.

A book I wish had been written: The complete works of Francis Schaeffer in simple words. aka - Schaeffer for Dummies.

A book I wish had never been written: The Oath - Frank Peretti. There was a waste of paper, IMO. Definitely not up to his previous standards. Oh yeah, and I could really do without The Purpose Driven Life - Rick Wagner. I had issues with his theology around the third day's worth of reading and couldn't be bothered to continue on what I felt was a faulty foundation.

A book I am currently reading: True Spirituality - Francis Schaeffer. How Should We Then Live - Francis Schaeffer. (I've recently read The God Who is There, He is There and He is Not Silent, Escape From Reason, and Death in the City - all by Schaeffer)

A book I've been meaning to read: Genesis in Space and Time - Francis Schaeffer, Joshua and the Flow of Biblical History - Francis Schaeffer, A Christian Manifesto - Francis Schaeffer, The Church at the End of the 20th Century - Francis Schaeffer, The Great Evangelical Disaster - Francis Schaeffer, Pollution and the Death of Man: A Christian View of Ecology - Francis Schaeffer, No Little People - Francis Schaeffer (no, there's no trend here...) my Bible - God (oh, okay, so I've been meaning to read it MORE), ummmm... I've been meaning to reread The Jesus I Never Knew - Philip Yancey. I really should read more Yancey...

Now all I have to do is think of someone to tag...

Hey Carol! What have you been reading? You can post it here if you don't want to do it on your site.

Mel, you're up too!

And Joy, you've always got interesting stuff on the go. Let's hear your answers.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2006-09-14T21:39:00.000-05:00

Well, if I have any readers left after the fiasco with my template, you will notice that there is a new one here. Not nearly as interesting as the ones Yvonne designs, but one that hasn't been messed up by the new blogger format.

Unfortunately, in the switchover I have lost all my previous comments. Yes, all those mind tantalizing exchanges over philosophy and such have been lost. Only my thoughts remain.

So there!

(just kidding)

Well, now that I can be read again, let's see if we can pick up the discussion. But I'm not in a mental state to post anything deep right now. I have to get to bed in 15 minutes. Maybe later.

Or, hey! What do YOU want to talk about?

The riddle of time

2006-08-29T08:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me!

My age starts with a 3!

This is the last year I can say that.

How old could I be?

Processing...

2006-08-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

I had a really great chat with Jude tonight sitting outside my house after my "birthday-related" girls' night out. Some thoughts about the searching and the processing became perhaps a little clearer, so I thought I'd write them down and see if they're any clearer to anyone else.

So... this post may have a few apparently disjointed thoughts, but really, there is relationship there. Hope you can find it! Oh, I colour-coded them so you could take them in smaller chunks.

First I want to talk about how we figure out what the "right" or "correct" answer to a question is. That is, the process. Sometimes you just can't outright prove that your theory is correct. Sometimes, I think, you just have to figure out the alternatives and work by process of elimination to figure out what makes sense. That is, what works and explains what "is". It has been suggested that while the details may be plentiful, there are really few basic answers to the big questions - such as the problem of existence dealt with in the last post. Sartre has said that "the basic philosophic question is that something is there rather than that nothing is there."*1 As illustrated, there were really only three basic answers - but only one of them explains what "is".

So... one of the questions we seem to be dealing with is: how do we know that the Bible is from God?

What are the possible answers?
1. It is in it's entirety.
2. It isn't at all.
3. Parts of it are, and parts of it aren't.

I'm not going to feed you any more (at least not right now), but examine the possibilities. Where do they lead you? It's certainly an important question if it's the primary source of information upon which you base your beliefs.

Alright. Second, I want to give you a little bit about Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274).

"Aquinas held that man had revolted against God and thus was fallen, but Aquinas had an incomplete view of the Fall. He thought that the Fall did not affect man as a whole but only in part. In his view the will was fallen or corrupted but the intellect was not affected. Thus people could rely on their own human wisdom, and this meant that people were free to mix the teachings of the Bible with the teachings of the non-Christian philosophers."

"As a result of this emphasis, philosophy was gradually separated from revelation - from the Bible - and philosophers began to act in an increasingly independent, autonomous manner."

"Among the Greek philosophers, Thomas Aquinas relied especially on one of the greatest, Aristotle (384-322 BC)."

"Thomas Aquinas brought this Aristotelian emphasis on individual things - the particulars - into the philosophy of the late Middle Ages, and this set the stage for the humanistic elements of the Renaissance and the basic problem they created."

"This problem is often spoken of as the nature-versus-grace problem. Beginning with man alone and only the individual things in the world (the particulars), the problem is how to find any ultimate and adequate meaning for the individual things. ... If one starts from individual acts rather than with an absolute, what gives any real certainty concerning what is right and what is wrong about an individual action?"*2

Nutshell? He suggested that you could ignore revelation and figure out all the answers from what you see around you just by observation. This presumes that man is now, apart from his will, intrinsically the way God made him. Definitely problems with that assumption. Know what they are?

Third. I sent this bit out to Jude in an e-mail and she found it a bit more understandable, so hopefully anyone else wading through this will too.

I referred on my blog to a divided field of knowledge. Schaeffer's diagram looks basically like this:

Non-rational (mystical, unverifiable - things such as meaning or beauty)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Rational (what can be seen, measured, discussed)

His premise is that the historic Christian view is that those things put into the non-rational category in fact belong in the rational category and there should be no "upper story". His reason: the revelation of God to man in scripture.

It was Kierkegaard who, in fact, divided the field of knowledge (though there were others who aided the process) by declaring that one could not find meaning by reason, therefore one is required to make a "leap" of faith, because one cannot live without hope of meaning. Essentially, he dismissed the idea of revelation - that is, input from outside of our own, seen experience. Hence it is referred to as existentialism.

Schaeffer would say that the revelation given in scripture is couched in space and time (history), and gives truth about both the world as we see it, and truth about meaning. Thus, there was no reason to divide knowledge. This was understood by the reformationists whose battle cry was "sola scriptura !" (Scripture only) as the authority, as opposed to "the church" being on equal or greater footing in terms of authority as was the case at the time.

Faith, then, in terms of historic Christianity is basically trusting that the revelation is true - which is able to be discussed because it is couched in both space and time - both about the seen things of this world, and hence about the character of God. Scripture is intended to be discussed and analyzed and verified, and faith is standing on the results of that.

Faith, from the existentialist side, is defined as a leap into the unknown. Belief against all reason, if you will. Can't remember the name of the philosopher who said that there was no god, but that people lived better if they believed that there was one. Irrational? That's the existentialist definition of faith, as I understand it. Unfortunately, this definition has not only crept into the general western society but into the church as well.

*1 Francis Schaeffer "He is There and He is not Silent"
*2 Francis Schaeffer "How Should We Then Live?"

Questions, questions...

2006-08-11T23:47:00.000-05:00

Alrighty then...

I figured that the questions Jude posted on my last entry would require a post all in themselves - perhaps several. But just to catch you up without you having to keep referring to the last comment section here's her note:

1. Do you think certainty can be a spectrum rather than either/or?
2. What questions do you think that questioners you know are asking (not an exhaustive list, just some examples)?
3. Which of these questions do you feel have certain answers?
4. What are the answers?
5. What do you base those answers on?

And here's the beginning of my thoughts:
1. Do you think certainty can be a spectrum rather than either/or?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by the question. Do I think we must either be certain of everything or certain of nothing? No. I do think that we can be certain that there are answers to be found, though. And I base that on the same idea that modern science was based on - that a reasonable God created the universe and therefore we have reason to believe that there are answers to be found - reasonable ones.

I do, however, think that the word "certainty" by definition implies that on whatever the issue you either are or are not.

2. What questions do you think that questioners you know are asking (not an exhaustive list, just some examples)?

Well, I'm hearing (that is, my interpretation of what is being said) things along the lines of:

Is God really there, or are we just fooling ourselves?
If He's really there, what's He like?
How can we know?
Okay, the existence of Jesus tells me that God is love, but how do I reconcile that with what I see around me?
How does any of this affect who I am? How should it?
How do I know who to trust?

3. Which of these questions do you feel have certain answers?

Ah, now there's the rub! The answers depend on your starting point and your presuppositions. And that's where my concerns lie. It's in the methodology of finding truth based on a methodology of antithesis (that is, as in classical logic: A is not non-A) as opposed to synthesis (begin with a thesis, combine with the antithesis and find the synthesis. This becomes the new thesis and the process continues - thus never reaching any final conclusion. Also known as dialectical methodology - see my first Schaeffer quote) and the presupposition of a unified field of knowledge(that is, that all of knowledge is open to the rational - what can be verified and discussed, without a dichotomy - whether it is grace/nature, freedom/nature, faith or meaning or significance/rational, without any kind of "leap" of "faith").

I have that presupposition of a unified field of knowledge because the verbalized, propositional revelation of God (the Bible) speaks to both matters of the seen and unseen - both space-time history and meaning/significance.

Without that presupposition - that you CAN know, you will always have the dichotomy. Whether you use spiritual words or not, you will still be putting the things of God into the place of the non-rational.

As to the starting point - well, where else can you start but with yourself?

Soooooo... in case I've lost you in Schaeffer 101... I think that all the questions have answers.

4. What are the answers?

Very funny. You really think I'm going to cheat you of the search? Just don't let go of rationality (logic - as opposed to rationalism, meaning that "man begins absolutely and totally from himself, gathers the information concerning the particulars, and formulates the universals.").

I will give you some tidbits, though.

Here's the deal: The universe either came from nothing (that is, nothing nothing - not mass, energy, gravity, or anything else - nothing.), or it came from something impersonal, or it came from something personal.

Schaeffer says that he's never heard the argument for the first option sustained, but that it is, theoretically, the first possible answer.

The second option leaves the particulars ("A particular is any individual factor, any individual thing - the separate parts of the whole") without meaning. "Everything, including man, must be explained in terms of the impersonal plus time plus chance." This leaves us without a sufficient explanation for what is - including the personality of man.

However, if we begin with the personal then we have an explanation for the existence of the personality of man. "But once we consider a personal beginning, we have yet another choice to make. This is the next step: are we going to choose the answer God or gods? The difficulty with gods instead of God is that limited gods are not big enough. To have an adequate answer of a personal beginning, we need two things. We need a personal-infinite God (or an infinite-personal God) and we need a personal unity and diversity in God." "Plato understood that you have to have absolutes or nothing has meaning...but...his gods were not big enough to meet the need."

(okay, I'm just going to quote some passages from "He is There and He is Not Silent" here, bear with me...)

"Second, we need a personal unity and diversity in God - not just an abstract concept of unity and diversity, because we have seen we need a personal God. We need a personal unity and diversity. Without this we have no answer."

"What we are talking about is the philosophic necessity, in the area of being and existence, of the fact that God is there. That is what it is all about: He is there."

"There is no other sufficient philosophical answer than the one I have outlined. ... There is only one philosophy, one religion, that fills this need in all the world's thought, whether the East, the West, the ancient, the modern, the new, the old. Only one fills the philosophical need of existence, of being, and it is the Judaeo-Christian God - not just an abstract concept, but rather that this God is really there. He really exists."

Which brings us to ...

5. What do you base those answers on?

Umm... I base them on the sustainable idea that God is there and He has not been silent. He has revealed Himself to us in space-time history with a verbalized propositional revelation. Philosophy requires it in order to truly explain what is there. So I choose to trust the revelation of scripture as being authentic. I think there's enough evidence to support that choice. (Far more than what I've given you here.)

Do I understand it all? Nope. Do I think there's more to God than we can understand? Yep. Do I think that we can know "true truth" without having exhaustive truth? Yep. Do I think the revelation of God in Christ is ALL we need, and we can throw out the rest? Nope. Frankly, I don't even think that's the right starting point - but that's another discussion.

All quotes are Francis Schaeffer, mostly from "He is There and He is Not Silent".

Fish out of water

2006-08-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

That's what I've been feeling like lately.

It seems a lot of my friends are in a space in their lives where they're questioning what they believe. Now, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I hope that they're questioning with the purpose of finding some answers, and not just questioning as an end in itself. I've been in the place of questioning myself. And while I'm currently questioning the form and function relationship of what I believe, I do feel like I have some pretty firm foundations at the moment. Sadly, I get the feeling that my "lack of uncertainty" is threatening to some. Some might even consider me arrogant for even thinking I know anything of who God is.

*sigh*

I was sitting around with some of these friends a while ago, listening to some of the things they are questioning, and the processes they are using. I bit my tongue, because I knew I couldn't explain the stuff I've been reading that's been so life-giving to me lately. Part of me wished I could somehow download these books by Francis Schaeffer right into their brains because it's just a bit too much for me to communicate on my own. My fear, from what I've been hearing, is that these friends may be heading down the road of existentialism in order to settle their conflict. And worse, that they may not be able to recognize it or the logical conclusions of that path.

One thing I have noticed is that for several of these questioners, their search seems to have begun out of a place of trauma. A place where God didn't behave the way their theology seemed to indicate He would. And so the search begins for something that will line up with the world as it really is. I've been there. There was a time in my life when the pain of infertility was so bad that I was taking scripture and arguing that God was, in fact, NOT good! However, when I hit the bottom of the agony and had no answers I had to say "I don't understand, but I know too much to walk away." I held on by my fingernails and waited for God to do whatever it was He needed to do. Kicking and screaming all the way.

Kind of like Job.

Which brings me to another point... a little thing that's just been irking me.

A friend posted something on his blog about Job being the personification of faith because" he understands that all theology is blasphemy". And then the quote goes on to reference Kierkegaard, the father of existentialism - both secular and religious. Of course Kierkegaard would say that you cannot understand God! He separates faith from knowledge as though the two can never have any relation. His faith is not in the God who is there, it is in "faith". That's just not a road I want to go down.

Not only are we dealing with a God who is there, we are dealing with one who is not silent. What possible purpose could He have for having communicated with us about who He is and having interacted with us, thus showing His character, if He didn't want us to understand anything about Him? It makes no sense! Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that we can ever know EVERYTHING about God, but I don't think this is an all or nothing kind of thing.

For instance,(okay, I realize that this is a weak analogy, but it's the best I could do at this hour of the night) those of you who are married would probably say you know your spouse pretty well. I'd like to think I have a handle on who mine is. You spend time with them and notice how they respond in certain situations. You could probably generate some basic principles of how they operate. But every now and then they surprise you. They react differently. They don't follow the pattern you expect. Do you not know them? Do you have to throw out your expectations? I don't think so. Odds are, you probably have a pretty good handle on who they are - but you don't know everything. So... you talk to them. Find out how this new thing fits with the old structure. It probably does - you were just missing some perspective. Where the analogy is lacking is that your spouse is growing and learning and inconsistent as a human being, while God is unchanging. (yes, I realize this can open the debate on dispensationalism - but I'd prefer not to go into that one just now, my brain is already on overload.)

I guess my point is that just because you can't know everything about how God works, doesn't mean you can't know anything. Fact is, Job questioned God. He told Him that he didn't deserve this. He wanted answers, too. And, if I read correctly, it was Job who got blasted by God - not his friends. Yes, there is mystery to God. He is bigger than we can comprehend. But He has chosen to reveal Himself to us. Can we just throw that away because it's too big and complicated? I hope that's not what I'm seeing.

Please indulge me in another Schaeffer quote. I hate taking him out of context, but I'd have to publish the entire book to give you the full scope, so I hope this will speak somewhat clearly. This is from "He is There and He is Not Silent", the chapter is on the moral necessity(philosophically) of God being there and not being silent:

"Evangelicals often make a mistake today. Without knowing it, they slip over into a weak position. They often thank God in their prayers for the revelation we have of God in Christ. This is good as far as it goes, and it is wonderful that we do have a factual revelation of God in Christ. But I hear very little thanks from the lips of evangelicals today for the propositional revelation in verbalized form which we have in the Scriptures. He must indeed not only be there, but he must have spoken. And he must have spoken in a way which is more than simply a quarry for emotional, upper-story experiences. We need propositional facts. We need to know who he is, and what his character is, because his character is the law of the universe. He has told us what his character is, and this becomes our moral law, our moral standard. It is not arbitrary, for it is fixed in God himself, in what has always been. It is the very opposite of what is relativistic. It is either this or morals are not morals, but simply sociological averages or arbitrary standards imposed by society or the state. It is one or the other."

It Takes A Village

2006-07-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

Jude left a comment on my last post:

"Is there something those of us that love you can do for you or with you in this trying time?"

Well, y'know the saying...

"It takes a village to raise a child."

So, after much thought and discussion with my husband and co-labourer we have come up with this.

Be the village.

What we need, on a truly practical level, is for people (not just families, either) to come around us and purposely build relationship. Spend time with us and our kids. Become "safe people" for our kids and then you can even be the occasional respite for us on the front line. We are simply not going to survive this if we have to go it alone. We're the front line, but we are desperately needing some back-up!

So... invite us out to the park with you. Let's plan a picnic together. Who wants to go to the snake dens with us in the fall? Camping anyone?

See, if you don't build relationship with our kids too then there will be no-one to spell us off when we really NEED time to bounce back. So far we've been trying to spell each other off, but we're both running out of steam and realize that we need more help.

BTW... single people who don't have kids of their own to look after would be totally SWEET to have around as good role models.

It's funny... but when we were childless we felt like we couldn't really break into the social circles of couples with kids. We thought that would change once we became parents. But it didn't. Matt's needs and social shortcomings put up walls (partly from our side - mia culpa) to building relationships with other families 'cause we just didn't know what he would do. They still do. So, not only are we not in relationship AS A FAMILY with other families, but we don't have relationships with the singles or other kid-free couples, either. Isolation sucks. And we just haven't been in a space to initiate our way out of this.

So, if you really want to help... come and get us!

The good, the bad, and the Y chromosome

2006-07-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know what you did for the long weekend, but we took our family camping. It was our fourth venture out in our new trailer. Here's what came of our weekend at Clear Lake.

The Good.

We're getting pretty efficient at setting up and taking down this contraption. We've got it pretty much down to a science. We even plan for the boys to explore the vicinity on their bikes while we do it.

While we didn't do as much hiking as Doug and I would normally like to do, we did manage to get the boys on the marsh walk. Calling it a walk made Matt complain less, and Kelvin REALLY got excited about the whole thing. He could have spent the entire day there trying to catch leeches and such.

The weather mostly co-operated with us this time. We neither set up nor took down our abode in the rain. We actually got to put everything away dry! While we were expecting a really hot weekend, it probably is good that it was a little cooler. I only got sunburned on one day (the marsh walk) and even that is not too bad.

The Bad.

Have I mentioned that FASD behaviour is often cyclical? Well folks, we are smack dab in the middle of the bad part of the cycle, let me tell you. We had several fits - not the least of which was while we were setting down the trailer. I'm half surprised that no-one called the authorities thinking that we were beating on a kid who can scream that loudly. I've been hit, kicked, had stones thrown at me, and been called "stupid mom" so often I'm tempted to just put it on my license plate. No amount of consequences will quell the storm. No offer of rewards for good behaviour are incentive. And no amount of reasoning will deter this child from his view that he is entitled to whatever he wants, when he wants it, and always before and bigger than his brother.

I would have been in tears but for my resolve not to let him know that he can get to me that way. It would only get worse. Somehow the wiring in his damaged brain has left him without a shred of empathy, and with limited logic. It's all about him.

Now, I know we've walked through this before. We've survived. It has always passed.... eventually. But right here in the middle of the storm - we need help! We're runnin' on empty. And we are going on a longer trip in just a couple of weeks. Scary.

Pray. Please pray. Only divine intervention will enable our survival.

The Y chromosome.

Yes, I'm back on the "boys are aliens" kick.

This weekend I think my boys hit a milestone. They are no longer little boys, but big ones. Was it the ability to jump to the third rung on the monkey bars? The hanging upside down by one's knees to the dread of one's father?

The endless spinning on the merry-go-round thingy that's been banned at most playgrounds ? The ability to eat a 6" sub and still be hungry? No. This weekend my boys discovered how to do armpit farts. I even heard Kelvin tell Matt that it worked better if you lick your hand first.

Why?

Why?

Y?

sigh...

Going home

2006-06-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, June 3 Max went to be with Jesus in heaven. He's home now. Healed and whole. However, this passing necessitated my own trip.

Last weekend I flew to Edmonton to be at Max's memorial. His mom was my roommate for awhile in the mid-late eighties, and I couldn't even consider not being there for them. Since that part of my life was a pivotal time, where I learned and grew substantially towards the person I am now, it definitely felt like I was going home. And I said as much.

I am so blessed to have these friendships that can be picked up after long periods of silence and not skip a single beat. I stayed with my friend Sherr and we chatted until the wee hours every night, drinking pots and pots of tea. While we've all walked different paths, it's comforting to know that we're still mostly the same at the core of who we are. I mean, these people EXPECTED me to notice grammar and make bad puns!

Sherr still drinks gallons of tea, has a dozen or more projects on the go, and dispenses advice to me as though I were still 20. And I love her for it. I know I'm always welcome there. It was in her home and around her table that I learned about the value of hospitality and relationship. And I can still find it there.

Carol (Max's mom) is an amazing woman. She put up with a lot of immature crap from me way back when, but we sure had a lot of fun. I got to visit some other friends from that time and when Andreas walked in the house the first thing he asked was about the time we were playing road leap frog and Carol and I were surfing on top of her car! Oh, and then he had to come back and pick us up because we broke the timing chain making that stop... *sigh* youth...

We sat around visiting on Saturday night (0ur only chance - I had a 6:30 flight home the next morning) and Carol was quoting some comedy routine. Total deadpan delivery. I miss her. A lot. Here, after (or during, I suppose) all that they've walked through, still beats the sensitive, creative, funny heart of the woman I once spent most of my time hangin' out with. (yes, I just ended that sentence with a preposition...)

On some level, I was home.

Speaking of going home...

Colleen is home now. She's had her cervix stitched and things are looking good for this pregnancy. Come on baby! We're waiting for you!

And on the subject of babies...

My sister is four weeks from her due date and carrying a rather large boy - so an early delivery would not be a particularly bad thing. Keep her in your prayers too.

It Lives!

2006-05-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

...and breathes, and thinks, and... wait for it... she can even type! No, she hasn't broken all her fingers! She has actually returned to the blogging world.

Well, rumour had it that y'all weren't coming here just for the pretty background. Though it IS rather peaceful. Did I mention that Yvonne did that for me? She's so talented. But I digress. Or do I? Don't you have to have your train of thought on some tracks in the first place in order to derail it?

Anyway.

Where on earth (or cyberspace) have I been? Well, I've just needed some time to deal with some more personal stuff, and writing simply has NOT been part of the process. I won't go into details, but it's been a pretty rough season around here lately, and I've just needed to withdraw a bit.

So, if I'm putting this out I must have something to say, no? Alrighty then, here's where some of my brain has been lately.

LIFE, AND THAT MORE ABUNDANTLY

I have two friends (okay, two PARTICULAR friends - I'm not so pathetic as to run off all but two). They each have a child whom they are at risk of losing.

One has a beautiful boy who turned eight today. He is now in the palliative stages of his battle with cancer. The treatments have not been effective and my friend is doing all she can to cherish the time she has with this precious child.

The other is pregnant. She has not so far been able to carry a child to term. While things are looking good so far, and all the steps are being taken, there is still risk. I am both thrilled for the possibility of a good outcome, and scared spitless of the chance she may have to walk the same road again. It's just not a simple emotional response.

I pray for them both daily and then some.

Then I have days like Friday. I was willing to sell my own kid to anyone with a nickel! And that was by the time I got him to school! We may have "life" in our house, but abundant is hardly the word for it right now. On the positive side it shows up my own issues and shortcomings quite vividly. Too bad I haven't the foggiest clue what to do about them or the logically impaired offspring with which I've been endowed.

BOOKWORM

Well, I'm supposed to be proofreading a friend's novel, but that's another story (E-mail coming soon, Cath).

What I have recently delved into is Schaeffer. Francis Schaeffer. Anyone heard of him? He was an evangelical intellectual who published some truly interesting works in the mid 20th century. I assume they're interesting, because while I've been intrigued by him I've never been able to get more than a few pages in before he's lost me.

I thought I'd pursue it now as it seemed somewhat relevant to the stuff Jude's been looking into. Y'know, all that emergent discussion that I don't directly follow but am curious about. Plus I thought it might give me some insights into the stuff that JJ tends to find online.

I have three of Shaeffer's books, but I thought I'd start with "The God Who Is There". It seemed a good place to start. The subtitle is "The Book That Makes Sense Out of Your World". Of course I had to laugh. The entire first section dealt with how the way we process truth has changed from a classical logic and antithetical approach and moved below what Schaeffer calls "the line of despair." Yeah. That would help anyone make sense out of their world, wouldn't it?

The funny thing is, this is the first time I feel like I understand most of what he is trying to say. The book was copyrighted in 1968, so I know that I have to adjust my cultural lens in order to see what he saw and extrapolate to where we are now. But it is quite interesting to see the path of relativism and how it has permeated our approach to thought.

I came across this quote today, and thought Jude might appreciate it:

"As Senghor pointed out that the basic factor of Marxism was neither its economic theory nor its atheism but its dialectical methodology, so the unifying factor of the new theology is its wrong methodology. Its concept of truth is wrong and because of this, what sounds right in fact often means something entirely different from that which historic Christianity means by the same phrase. It is naive to discuss the theological questions as theological questions until one has considered what truth means to the one who is making the theological statements."

Interesting, no? JJ?

And that, naturally leads me to DaVinci. I confess to not having read the book. I took the easy way out and saw the movie. This may horrify some of you. But, as far as I'm concerned, it's simply a work of fiction. FICTION. As in - NOT TRUE. Hence, I decided to see if someone's imagination could come up with an interesting story. Sure, it got some pretty bad reviews, and not just from religious groups, but I found it interesting. Completely fictional and interesting.

Wait, did I forget to mention that I have a hidden soft spot for church history? It was my favorite (albeit short) class at Bible School. This movie made me want to pick up my books and delve into it again. Don't you think it's important to know how we came to believe what we believe? I mean, on just what basis were the books of the bible cannonized? How did the reformation happen? When did scripture actually fall into the hands of the literate masses who now look through 21st century eyes and assume that they know how to interpret linguistic complexities and foreign cultural understandings? What have we lost in throwing out traditions that no longer hold their original meanings instead of researching those origins and creating our own forms?

Wow. For someone who HATES research (that's what I have Jude for - right?), I sure have a lot of reading ahead of me. And while it looks theoretical, I'm pretty sure that there's a lot of practical application to the current discussions. Some foundations, perhaps.

Earning the right

2006-03-29T18:29:00.000-06:00

I've had an interesting thought cross my mind today. So, if you don't mind, I think I'll just begin to process it here. Comments welcome - I'm still processing.

I was inspired by both a post on Rob Daly's new blog, and one on Rhonda's. Rob was discussing on his blog the idea of other people's opinions. To quote:

I've tended to defer to the opinions of others rather than pay attention or
give credence to my own. I've come, over the past few years and more recently,
to realize that the opinions of others can genuinely have little merit in terms
of being well thought out and many times little merit otherwise.

Rhonda was also discussing opinions.

Yes, like Yvonne (and Paul her brother) says, they are like butts, everybody has one. And I must say this is a bit of a vent blog. I know my situation brings up compassion and concern and even overwhelming support. But I have to say I am surprised at the amount and RANGE of things people (mostly family) feel very free to share with me.

And the thought occurred to me "what gives other people the right to speak into our lives?" And, what criteria do we use to give other people the right to speak into our lives? AND, what gives us the right to speak into the lives of other people? Doesn't that have to be earned? Do we give it away too easily? Do we expect to have it too freely?

So many questions. So little brain.

So I put it to you. What do people have to do to earn the right to speak into your life? Do you need to have relationship? Trust? Do they need to have a certain "expertise"? Do you need to be the one initiating the query, or is unsolicited input acceptable to you? Do you question what you hear? Or do you just accept what you're being told/taught without the filter of critical thinking? Do you question motives? Do you feel free to question openly? Do you feel free to just throw it out when it doesn't seem right? Do you respect the giver of the input enough to let it simmer for awhile instead of making snap judgements? Do you automatically defer to others? And under what circumstances?

And what about our own opinions? What circumstances allow for open sharing? How much relationship do you need before you feel you can speak into someone's life? How much of your own value is tied up in your opinions?(Ah, now THERE'S a key question!) Do you wait to be asked, or do you offer up your thoughts freely? And when do you do each (assuming there's different circumstances for each approach)? What do you have to put into a relationship before you can speak to someone's heart? What are you really putting on the line?

So... before my brain explodes I will leave you to ponder these things. And then share your opinions. You may do so freely. I will ponder most of them. I will probably reject some and accept others and generally allow for the fact that everyone has a right to their own, and that I ASKED to hear them.

The Incredible Dullness of Being... Me.

2006-03-17T19:56:00.000-06:00

Alright. I've been tagged. And, as usual, I've been putting it off. But here I am now, so let's just get on with it.

Thanks, JJ...

Four Jobs I've Had:

1. Childcare worker in several daycares.
2. Press operator in a drycleaning plant, shirt department. I press a mean shirt, let me tell you...
3. Cook. Anyone remember Woolco? They used to have a restaurant inside the department store. I used to cook and serve for them.
4. Accounts payable clerk. Yeah, I can cut a mean cheque, too.

Four Movies/Shows I've Been Addicted To:

Addicted is a pretty strong word, so let's just say some that I've been rather attached to.
1. The Simpsons. See last post.
2. The Party. One of the all-time classic funny movies. Peter Sellers is pure comic genius, I tell you!
3. The Gilmore Girls. Sorry, but quick-witted women with great come-backs for everything... almost makes me want to be them. Almost.
4. Anne of Green Gables. Yes. All eight hours of it. I could watch it all in one sitting... or at least in one day - and have!

Four Places I've Lived:

1. One room in a rooming house with my mom before my dad moved in with us and we got an apartment.
2. Edmonton, Alberta
3. Port Colborne, Ontario. Though you might say I did anything BUT live there...
4. Calgary, Alberta

Four Countries I Would Like To Visit:

1. Austria - again. And again. And again.
2. Australia - to see if my Dad's side of the family is worth finding. I'd have to get past my fear of all the poisonous snakes and spiders first, though.
3. Scotland - both sides of my family have roots there.
4. St. Vincent - we almost adopted from there. I wouldn't mind seeing what we missed.

Four Popular False Assumptions About Me:

1. That I'm a great cook and homemaker. Well, that one is partly true. I CAN cook. But my house usually looks like a tornado hit it. It's just that after "flylady" it now looks like a category two instead of a category five.
2. That I'm self-confident. *ENH* wrong. Call me Miss Insecure. Sally Field, move over...(they like me! They really like me!)
3. That I'm an intellectual. Well, I'm not totally without brains, and I do like to process, but I'm not usually willing to spend the time to go as deep into things as, say JJ, or Jude.
4. That I'm creative. Oh man, are you guys ever off the mark on that one! I can follow a pattern, or extrapolate a harmony, but I do not have a truly creative bone in my body.

Four People I Look Like:

1. My Dad. In more ways than I'm going to tell you...
2. Terri Hatcher. *insert SERIOUS guffaws here!* (well, before she lost too much weight. - yeah... THAT makes a difference... )
3. Maude Flanders (hmmm... I wonder if my butt really IS higher than Marge's...)
4. The bearded lady. No, I'm not going to elaborate, but there's a great pic over on Derek and Joy's site.

Four Things (I Hope) To Do Before I Die:

Once upon a time I would have put "give birth" at the top of this list, but not anymore. I am DONE.

1. Finish proofreading my friend's book.
2. Have a truly clean house without having to hire friends, relatives, or professionals.
3. Think kindly of myself.
4. Ballroom dancing with my hubby.

Four People I Tag Next:

1. Judi Daly (Oh, like there was some doubt?)
2. Erica Seales ('Cause she has nothing better to do now that she's in her new house...)
3. Colleen Johnson (I am just TOO curious.)
4. Yvonne Parks ('Cause she's funnier than me. than I. than me. yeah,... than me.)

The Mind is a Steel Trap

2006-03-01T19:14:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, mine is only capable of capturing minutiae (Doug hates that word) and trivial, meaningless things. And quotes. Usually Simpsons quotes. I made the error of mentioning this talent on Erica's blog, and received a request for my top 20 Simpsons quotes - or the first 20 that come to my mind - either way...

So, prepare to groan, 'cause here we go!

Homer: "I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!" said while burning his High School Diploma, and setting the rest of the living room on fire.
Homer: "Are you really the head of the Quickie Mart?" "yes" "really?" "yes" "REALLY?" "yes, thank you, come again" This exchange happened when Homer and Apu went to India to beg the head of the Quickie Mart for Apu's job back. They were only allowed three questions.
Ralph: "I bent my wookie!" spoken after he won the diorama-rama contest.
Bart: "Just more of me to love, honey..." Marge's dream sequence where Bart grows up to be an exotic dancer.
"Hello Grandpa my old friend. Your busy day is at an end...." Sung at the end of the 'Mrs. Bouvier' episode when they get on the trolley to get back to the senior's home in time for Matlock.
Ralph: "The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger out of there."
Martin: "Hark to the tale of Nelson, and the boy he loved so dear. They remained the best of friends for years and years and years!" Sung during the episode where the lemon tree was stolen by Shelbyville.
Lisa: "My dad thinks he belongs. He belongs in a zoo. I'm the sa-a-a-a-adest kid in gra-a-a-a-ade number two". Lisa's blues song in the episode where she meets Bleeding Gums Murphy.
Ralph: "Me fail English? That's Un-possible!"
Mr. Burns: "See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest. See my sweater, there's none better than authentic Irish setter. See this hat, t'was my cat. My evening wear (something)-clawed bat. These new slippers are albino African endangered rhino. Grizzly bear underwear, turtle's necks I've got my share, (fuzzy right here) See my red robin suit, it comes one vest or two. See my vest, see my vest, see my vest. Like my loafers, former gophers, it was that or skin my chauffeurs but a Greyhound fur tuxedo would be grand. (something something) dogs. Kill two for matching clogs! See my vest! See my vest! Seeeee my vest!" "I really like the vest."
Ralph: "That's my sand box. I'm not allowed in the deep end. That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He told me to burn things."
Ooter: "Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!"
Homer: "Hey Marge! Remember when we used to make out to this hymn?" That was when Bart slipped in his version "In the Garden of Eden" into the service.
Homer: " Don't blame me! I voted for Kang." When Kang and Kodos took over the bodies of the presidential candidates.
Teacher: "Okay class, let's take out a circle of paper and a safety pencil" When Homer took a new job and moved the family.
"Dr. Zeyus, Dr. Zeyus. Dr. Zeyus, Dr. Zeyus. Dr. Zeyus, Dr. Zeyus. Ohhh Dr. Zeyus. Dr. Zeyus, Dr. Zeyus." song from the musical version of The Planet of the Apes - starring Troy McClure. Followed by the finale: "... I hate every ape I see, from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z, you'll never make a monkey out of me... Oh my gosh! I was wrong (statue of liberty rises)! It was earth all along. You've finally made a monkey... Yes we've finally made a monkey! You've finally made a monkey out of me!"
Apu: "Banana Bread! What were you thinking!" After the octuplets were born and Homer and Marge paid a visit.
Homer: pretending to be Mr. Burns' mother "Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother! You are a bad son Montel...."
Apu: "I can't believe you don't shut up!" Said to Homer.
Apu and Simpsons: "Who needs the Quickie Mart? Their floors are sticky mart. It makes us sicky-mart. The Quickie Mart is real... doh! Who needs the Quickie mart? Not me!" " Who needs the Quickie Mart? I dooooooooooo!"

Okay, anyone else see a theme here? Funny how music makes stuff stick in your head better. Erica, I'll see if I can come up with any more off the top of my head. And I promise... I did not cheat here. I ALMOST looked up some of the words to Mr. Burns' song, but I resisted, as this was meant to test my memory.

WAIT!!!! I just remembered one of Doug's favorites, so please indulge me. This is when the Simpsons were going into the witness relocation program. They are being briefed on their new name... "Okay, Homer, now, when I say 'hello Mr. Anderson (I think?)' and wink like this, and step down on your foot like this you say 'hello' Okay?" Homer: "Right" Guy: "Hello Mr. Anderson" Homer to the other guy "I think he's talking to you."

Oh, and alright, I did go and check a quote site AFTER I posted this, but this one is my new favorite, so I won't claim to have remembered it - I just need to pass it on. During this episode Homer found that prayer was the key to his life. So he prayed for everything. One evening he was praying aloud, very obnoxiously when Marge tells him "Y'know Homer, most people pray silently." Homer: "But Marge, He's way the HELL up there!" (excuse the crassness, but it doesn't work without spelling it out!)

The Time Wasting Twins

2006-02-12T10:26:00.000-06:00

Now, does this fall under the "God has a sense of humour" banner, or is this more of the "iron sharpens iron" type of thing?

You, who know me well, know that I really hate being late for anything. For me, it just screams disrespect. Now, I've learned to give myself a little grace for things beyond my control - like "I was unaware that it had snowed the night before" kind of thing. But, generally, it totally stresses me out to even risk being late getting somewhere.

Enter my kids.

Now, every parent knows that you have to allow for extra time when you have kids. It just comes with the territory. But my kids seem to have a "special" ability to mess with time. And they each do it with a different style.

Kelvin, my sweet boy, is a dawdler. And not just your garden variety one, either. He is King Dawdler. (Apparently Jude has the queen...). I can send this kid upstairs and give him 10 minutes to get dressed (which should take about 2), and he will have barely started when I call up to tell him it's time to get his coat on for school. I've threatened to take him to school in his pyjamas, but that has had no effect, and Doug says I can't really do that one anyway. He also lags behind when walking home from school (unless he's racing with his friends), which is why I decided to keep him in the lunch program. Less nagging from me, more play time with his friends.

Matt, on the other hand, is a staller. He will come up with every excuse in the book (and some original ones) to put off doing something. And he will resort to crocodile tears and fits if need be. He was fighting me on doing his home reading the other day, when I discovered that the whining was no more than crocodile tears, as he found himself laughing when I lowered myself to mocking him. Yes, he had managed to take some of my dignity, but I found a way to engage him a bit more in the process. And you wouldn't believe the lengths he will go to in order to avoid getting in the bathtub...

*sigh*

What's a poor anal and compulsive mother to do?...

Update

2006-02-04T21:03:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know... not exactly the most creative title, but that's just the place I'm in.

School.

We had a meeting with Matt's principal. No teacher there, so I was not completely satisfied. Things were tense between his teacher and I for about a week, especially when I was asked not to come and volunteer in the class, but it feels a bit smoother now. Even the TAs didn't speak to me for the first week. I hope I didn't get them in trouble.

Doug was happy with the meeting, but I'm still not completely satisfied. I guess that's just life. I still feel the need to keep tabs on what's happening in the class. We did find out, though, that his teacher is not only new to special-ed, but is a first year teacher! I suppose I need to give her more slack for her sake, but really... Matt is now suffering for a year's worth of "lack of teaching" plus the learning curve for this teacher. So much for getting him into an established program!

Church.

For lack of a better word. We're kind of drifting a bit at the moment. It's been tough finding ways to get together with Rob and Jude. Mostly it's the "we've got sick kids" shuffle. I guess that's the drawback to a smaller group. So... I guess we're just trying to muddle our way through and make efforts at community any way we can. Although, I must admit I really enjoyed the pizza and conversation last night.

Personal Mass

One relatively bright spot at the moment. I've been losing steadily on this system, and I'm officially down about 22 lbs, and two pants sizes. I even had to go out and buy a new bathing suit today. I've gotten back on my treadmill five mornings a week, and I really enjoy hanging out on Monday nights. Seriously. I get to hang out with some of the most beautiful and strongest women I know. How did I ever get invited into that group? Not that I'm complaining...

In case you can't tell from the tone of this post, I'm in a bit of a "blah" state right now. Not fully sure why (although a mix-up in calculating my points today has added to it), but the week has been really full, the days all busy, and I'm just feeling spent on all fronts. Perhaps I should go put my kids to bed (an hour late) and cuddle up with my heating pad.

'Til later...

Frustrating

2006-01-16T13:08:00.000-06:00

I had entered a post a few days ago mostly about our trip to Calgary this Christmas, but lost it while I was trying to alter the text colour. This silly blog thing needs an "undo" button!

Anyway, I'll tell about that trip later when I'm more in the mood to write.

Right now I'd just like some prayer. I've had to write a letter to the administration of Matt's school regarding the running of his program. I hope they will hear my heart and understand that I'm advocating for the best interests of the kids. I also hope that they will not see me as attacking. I tried very hard to be tactful and co-operative, but you know how people can react if they're insecure. I tend to be that way, too.

So... if I have any readers left, I'd love it if you could pray for us. This season seems to be full of tension all around.

whew!

2005-12-18T17:25:00.000-06:00

That's a relief!

I know it's been awhile... Some of you have even let me know that you miss my take on life. Thanks. So here's what's been happening at chez Braun.

Christmas is almost completely over!!! And I couldn't be more relieved!

Yesterday we hosted the big family meal for my family. I made a 20lb bird with all the trimmings and everything from scratch to feed 16 people. I've been stressing about this particular event for awhile - thus the primary reason you haven't heard from me. And while the main thing I was stressed about was what my mom was going to find fault with this year, and how I was going to handle it, the evening actually went off pretty well. Even Matt did alright with so much stimulation.

Today we celebrated Christmas with just us. It was a bit of a trying morning. My boys are in some ways polar opposites. While Matt just wanted to get the gifts open, Kelvin wanted to stop and examine each of his things before moving on. And he happens to be in a particularly independent phase right now, so he mostly just ignored me when I told him he needed to focus here, and how it's rude to keep people waiting. Doug told me not to be so mean to him.

Next weekend we head out on the (hopefully) open road to celebrate with Doug's family in Calgary. It should be a lot of fun in some ways, but I'm totally stressed about Matt's behaviour while we're there, and how his cousins will react to him. Kelvin will fit in like a dirty shirt. He always does. That kid can get along with just about anyone!

Last week we also had the boys' Christmas concerts. Nothing like adding more stuff into an already crowded season. They did well, though.

So...that's the main thing going on in our lives.

We've also made another rather significant, yet strangely innocuous change. We are now no longer a part of WCV. We have decided that the best thing for us is to join with Rob and Jude and create the kind of community that our family needs. We love WCV, but it just hasn't been able to be for us what we've needed, and I don't think that any church of that size could properly meet the needs of my kids, especially. While there are many ways to describe what we envision, one of my favorite ways is to say that we are creating an "extended family" for our kids, especially. We're providing them with positive adult interaction as well as time with other kids. But best of all, it's something we "do" as a family. No segregation. All inclusive. Warts, diapers, depression, FASD, and all. Cool.

There has been one other change, though. Yvonne got me on the weight watchers bandwagon. Yes, I blame it completely on her. Now I'm counting all my points and depriving myself of platefulls of 'taters and gravy. Unfortunately, I'm also telling everyone I see about it and causing Doug no end of embarrassment. I've lost 7 pounds in the last two weeks! (Well, I'll have to confirm that on Monday, but that's what it looks like so far.) Now.... if I can just calculate the points for pluma moos.....

Third Floor - Housewares

2005-11-21T19:04:00.000-06:00

I shoulda been a kettle.

No, really. I have this really neat feature that would make me very marketable: Instant Boil.

Truly. I feel like I am on constant simmer and it takes next to nothing for the steam to come shooting out of my ears. And the volume on the whistle? Deafening. You could hear me for blocks, I'm sure.

Just ask my kids.

No, wait. Don't ask them. They probably couldn't hear you anyway.

Doug says it sounds like I need a break. Sure. Sounds like. But a break doesn't change anything. The stuff that annoys me and has me feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall will still be there. Honestly, you'd think I could talk quieter since I know I'm the only one listening anyway. Volume doesn't seem to do the trick. Repetition with increasing degrees of volume also has no effect. The kids can't read yet, so I can't even leave them written communiques.

*sigh*

But I know it's not all external stress either. If I had the energy to go looking, I'm sure I'd find that I'm also beating myself up for not meeting my expectations either. But I don't have that energy right now.

Tea anyone?

Lightbulb on aisle five...

2005-11-19T11:07:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the answer is staring you right in the face.

Matt makes a competition out of everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Especially when it's stuff that doesn't matter. And he will NEVER admit defeat. Even when it's blatantly obvious even to a dimwit that he's not what he claims to be. His philosophy seems quite neatly summed up as:

I reject your reality and replace it with my own.

For instance, this boy claims to be the oldest one he knows. He insists that he's in grade five (he's in grade two). And he will always claim to have done things faster than his brother, even when he hasn't. He pushes his way to get in the door first, get in the van first (even though it means Kel climbing over him), and insists on his his food being served first.

In short, he's made all the things that don't matter - matter.

Why? I kept asking myself. Why does he do this? What makes this so important to him?

Then it hit me. This kid doesn't know his own value. He's creating value for himself in the only way he knows how, even if it doesn't line up with reality. And, if I look back, he's been doing it ever since his brother got here.

How does this happen? We try to affirm him as much as we can. Unfortunately, we have much more bad behaviour to deal with than good, so it makes it a lot harder to provide the "10 affirming statements to 1 negative statement" ratio. How do you affirm his value while trying to get him to understand that he can't take out his anger at me on his brother? I would get just as angry if someone were treating him that way, but since there's fewer opportunities to come to HIS rescue he doesn't have any way of really internalizing that.

So... now I know the underlying problem. I still don't really have a clue about how to fix it. Perhaps I need to borrow some of Jude's "attachment" books (though I already have one...).

*sigh******** It leaves a rotten feeling in the pit of your stomach to know that you have somehow failed to instill value in your precious child..........

(Oh, and for anyone who happens to be praying for us - please continue! We're in the middle of a really negative part of the behaviour cycle at the moment. It's been a tough week...)

Yet more of what Cindy needs...

2005-11-08T18:44:00.000-06:00

In case there are those reading this who do not peruse Yvonne's site, I will let you in on one of the best ways I've found to relieve stress. Do not do this if you are not prepared to roll on the floor laughing, or at least tear up from the hilarity.

Here's the deal: Go to Google and type in your name and the word 'needs' in quotes. ie: "Cindy needs". The results will be quite interesting. I've left three lists so far in Yvonne's comments, but I can't resist going back for more when I'm feeling stressed. And today has been a hum-dinger!

So.... here's some more of what Google thinks Cindy needs.

Cindy needs her cake plate!

Cindy needs to graph the following equation: y=2x + 5.

Cindy needs to get online fast.

Also Cindy needs evaluation and refresher work for trail so she can find her forever home.

Original Cindy needs a ride home from work.

Cindy needs reimbursement for the last one, though.

Cindy needs photo support.

Cindy needs to tell us all about her great experience hiking in the desert last week.

Cindy needs three more years to finish college and get her degree and another year to earn her teaching credential.

Mom, Cindy needs to talk to you.

As if Cindy needs to answer to him!!

Cindy needs a permanent Home and someone to love and attention. If you are looking for a sweet devoted companion. Trained and great with kids.

Cindy needs a lobotomy.

Cindy needs electrical information.

As a financial analyst, Cindy needs to keep her daytime look on the conservative side, but that doesn't mean she has to sacrifice style.

Cindy needs to move to another room.

Cindy needs to have the cookies by Thursday, October 6

Cindy needs a vanilla latte today.

Cindy needs a cat.

Cindy needs a T-shirt that says, "It's all about ME!"

Cindy needs a makeover.

"Cindy needs a little help with her slim figure." Aunt Mae said.

Cindy needs to be on your list of must-reads.

Cindy needs a lot more training though.

...because my sister Cindy needs details.

Cindy needs money (I was wondering if that one would ever come up!)

Cindy needs some flank coverage going into the stretch.

And that, dear readers, is all I could glean from the 752 results. Except for all the stuff over at Yvonne's blog, of course. Good for a giggle. Let me know what you find.

Oh, and in case you missed them, here are my favorites:

Cindy needs one of those for her pond because it could be her signal to the mothership to come and pick her back up and take her home.

Cindy needs to do some research and find out the truth about fats.

Cindy needs more care than an average horse.

Cindy needs to be more concerned about the quality of air occupying the space between her ears.

Original Cindy needs tires.

Right now, Cindy needs help in aisle five.

Maybe Cindy needs to chime in and scream "FREE THE OKLAHOMA 1!!!!!!" Then maybe someone might listen.

I guess from that logic, Cindy needs to shut the heck up.

Okay... I'm done now.

Form vs. Function

2005-10-30T22:42:00.000-06:00

Y'know.... I tossed and turned for a good two hours in the middle of the night last night composing this in my mind. Do you think I can remember a single bit of it now?

Of course not.

But it has been something I've been processing over the last little while, so let's see if I can string a few thoughts together. I can always embellish later.

Form and Function. In the design world, as I understand it, it is common to state that form must follow (or serve) function. That is... what something looks like must take a back seat to it's purpose. For instance, you wouldn't just stick a big 'ol island in the middle of my kitchen simply because it looks great - because a huge island would wreak havoc with the traffic patterns of the room. It doesn't function.

So here's the thought: If you know your purpose, and your current form doesn't allow for it's expression then chuck the form and find a new one.

Example: I was in on a conversation with the remaining members of the women's retreat committee as they were agonizing about what to do with a retreat they no longer had the resources to pull off. The form no longer served the function. I remember suggesting that they look to the reasons we had a retreat in the first place. It's purpose was to connect women of ALL ages and stages of life, and encourage them to find the fullness of their purpose and life in God. So... the retreat has , for the moment at least, been shelved, and in it's place - a slumber party, plans for "day" events, and plans for dinner table gatherings. I can't speak to the latter ideas, but being part of the slumber party I have to tell you that we had more generational mixing than we ever got at a retreat, because the evening was far less threatening to those who were new. This form serves the function.

What about on a larger scale?

"We exist to build a safe community that invites all peoples to worship Jesus as they embrace a kingdom lifestyle that extends God's justice on the earth." This is the vision statement, or function, of WCV.

I had the first part of this running through my head in the wee hours. "...to build a safe community..." Actually, I heard "safe place", because that was the old wording. And I thought: "but this isn't a safe place. Our form isn't serving the function we claim to have. How can you feel safe in such a huge gathering as Sunday morning? Why would you? What incentive is there to be vulnerable? I don't think I've talked to anyone - even in leadership - who really feels safe."

Sunday nights are a different form. But they also serve a different function. Do I feel safe there? Perhaps marginally. I meet God there. But all my connection is vertical, not horizontal. If I show my heart there it is because I know God has asked me to take that risk. I certainly wouldn't do it just of my own accord. It is smaller and people do tend to carve out space for themselves to individually meet with God and intercede. To be honest, I could do that at home and feel safer, though I know I would not be meeting with God on the same level. And, with apologies to Mike Bickle, it's actually not a format that EVERYONE can get a handle on. Some people just can't process with God with all that singing going on. What is life-giving to some is distracting and thoroughly frustrating to others.

And what of house groups? Are they intended to be the place of safety and community? Then why do house groups (gross generalization here - I have not been to all house groups) follow the same form as a Sunday morning? You come in, worship beside one another, listen to some teaching, and pray. Then everyone breathes a sigh of relief (to take from Adrian Plass - thanks, Jude) because we've finally gotten to the part we've all been waiting for: coffee, munchies, and the chance to get to know people and be known. Of course, this assumes that there are not such strong pre-existing relationships in the group that there is room for others. And it assumes that the group is either intentional in opening itself to new relationships, or that those who are new are extroverted enough to push their way in. And it assumes that people feel safe enough to even go into a small group where they don't know anyone.

My point? I question whether our "form" in all it's expressions is serving our "function". Sure, worship has a voice. Justice has an expression. Intercession is even finding more depth. But what of that safe community? What of the horizontal relationships that go hand in hand with the vertical? Is it time to make a shift in our paradigm about how our form serves our function?

PS: (Brian, stop lurking and say something!)

Sick kids and other bits

2005-10-04T10:15:00.000-05:00

Good grief! I went to spell check this post and wound up losing it, so I'll see if I can remember what I said....

It's been awhile, so let me fill you in.

Last week Matt came down with a nasty stomach flu. He needed constant attention which meant that I got very little done, very little sleep, and very behind on my routines. Fortunately he's feeling much better now.

This weekend I managed to come down with the same bug. I'm starting to feel better now, but I couldn't really move from the couch yesterday, and Doug needed to be at the office. So, I had both the boys home with me. Sadly, that meant that Kelvin missed his picture day. We'd better not be sick for retakes! However, the boys played really well. They spent the day on video games mostly, and even handled their own toast for lunch once I got the stuff out for them. I only had to referee one fight, too! Ahhh.... I am SO done with the whole baby thing.....

But our illnesses pale in comparison to what Max is dealing with. Max is the seven-year-old son of my good friend and former roommate, Carol. The Drasaks live in Edmonton, and Max is fighting his second battle with cancer. This time it's a tumor behind his right eye. Please keep them in your prayers. You can get the whole story and updates on the family from their website.

Tonight we begin sessions of our support group for parents of kids with FASD. I've been going for the last few years, but Doug has decided that he is now ready to go, too, so it should be a bit different. It does mean that both the boys will be in childcare, which Matt has never really enjoyed. But we are bringing along the game boy so that he will have something he does like to do. Here's hoping it works!

Yesterday was Doug's birthday. With me being sick, though, we weren't able to do anything to celebrate. We couldn't even go out for our date on Sunday because I was too busy tossing my cookies... *sigh* Oh well,... perhaps we'll manage to do something to celebrate our anniversary (Thursday). It is our 15th. Isn't there supposed to be something special about round numbers?

Friends in "high" places

2005-09-20T10:50:00.000-05:00

Kelvin has a friend in his class who came from Africa last year. I had asked him where this little boy was from, but Kel couldn't remember the name.

The other night we were watching the news after supper and the story of the grow-op on a farm came on. Kelvin piped right up:

"Mom that's where Patrick is from - Marawanda!"

(hee, hee, hee....)

Enjoy!

2005-09-19T12:45:00.000-05:00

"The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

I've been trying to remember that last part for years.... Thanks, Harv!

Now if someone would just tell me who said it.....

Delayed Reaction?

2005-09-16T19:49:00.000-05:00

I have but one thing to say about that Aquacise class.....

Holy Hamstrings, Batman!!

I think I'm gonna have to break out the bubble mat and go have a hot bath...

To borrow a line from Ron...

2005-09-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

This made me laugh today....

I was watching the news a bit today when this story came up.

It appears that 8 dolphins from an aquarium in Gulfport, Mississippi were swept out to sea during the hurricane. Fortunately, they have all been found and (get this) RESCUED!

Yes, you heard it correctly, folks. Dolphins were rescued from the sea and returned to their nice, safe aquarium....

More firsts

2005-09-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Well, the boys are into the swing of things at school and doing well, and I am now getting to have some firsts of my own.

On Monday I got to do my first bit of volunteering at Kelvin's school. I spent the morning with his class and I must tell you - I had a blast! I couldn't get over how much I've missed hanging out with the kids. I got to take them out in their small groups and teach them a new game, then I was able to give feedback to their teacher about kids' strengths and weaknesses. I feel like I'm making a difference, and the kids seem to like hangin' out with me, too. I can hardly wait 'til Friday when I get to spend the day with Matt's class.

Today I had another first. I went to my first Aquacize (sp?) class at the Y. It's at lunchtime, so it's a good thing I have Kelvin in the lunch program. He really wants to stay there every day because it means he has more time to play with his friends. After the few days I've had him home for lunch, I'm beginning to see the benefits of it, too. We've barely made it back to school on time for the afternoons, and I would really prefer not to be nagging at him to get moving in the middle of the day. It just doesn't set a good tone for the afternoon. So.... I think I'm just going to let him stay for now.

As for the class.... well, it went pretty well. I can feel it in my legs, but my knees have been bothering me a lot lately, so I'm not exactly sure what's from the class and what's just there. I've been turning my ankles a lot lately, too, and that's definitely not good. I have particularly weak foot and ankle muscles. Maybe the class will help with that.

I got to sing with the worship team for a celebration service on Sunday. That's not exactly a first, but it's the first in a long time. It sure felt like an amazing evening - even if there wasn't much of a turnout. The morning was packed, so I thought there might be a good crowd for a night that was straight worship. There used to be, back in the early days.... Oh well, those of us who were there made a connection with God - and I'm sure others did too, just in other ways.

Well, I must finish up a few dishes and drag these old bones to bed. Got a seriously busy day tomorrow (including some 'harp and bowl' practice - CAN'T WAIT!!!!). Anyone praying for us can plead for more restful sleep for Doug and I. We're pretty wasted these days.

First day of school!

2005-09-09T09:51:00.000-05:00

Kelvin began grade 1 on Wednesday. When I picked him up at the end of the day (he stayed for lunch) I asked him how his day went. He said:

"I had a really good time, Mom!"

Yesterday after school he told me that he really likes grade 1, but that he liked Kindergarten better. I'm sure he wishes there were more toys in the class, but when you ask him what he did he will first tell you how many times he got to go out for recess.

Matt begins today, although we went to visit his teacher and see his room on Wednesday. There are a few changes - like he's sitting in a different part of the room, and at a desk instead of at the small table. I could tell he was nervous this morning. He tried several ways to stall. Not the least of which included the sock and shoe issue. He's been wearing sandals all summer, so he's not used to how shoes feel on his feet anymore, and he chose a thick pair of socks, too. We made it on time, but I certainly felt the stress! Any of you who know me know that I HATE to arrive anywhere late.

Anywho... I thought I'd post the "first day of school" pics. Technically, Kelvin's was taken today, but that's just because our camera is acting up. I'll have a real one when I get the film developed from the old camera...

A kinder, gentler rant

2005-09-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

I just deleted my last post. I was writing about how difficult a time I had hanging out with my extended family on the weekend. It's like we come from two very different worlds. However, the tone of it, while accurate, seemed a bit harsh so I deleted it and decided to just sum it up here.

In Summary: If I were ever worried about being mistaken for someone who is "of this world" I need only look at my family to see the stark differences in our lives.

Harp and Bowl

2005-09-02T20:18:00.000-05:00

I can just see Yvonne's face staring at me with a look that says "See.... I TOLD you you were a prophetic singer!"

'splain?

Well,... we're doing some training at the moment on how to use the Harp and Bowl format for worship/intercession meetings. It's a very new format for me, but it basically offers a framework to facilitate prophetic singing and intercession while working through scripture and worship. Hmmm... maybe that doesn't sound so basic.... but it's really not all that complicated once you wrap your mind around it. It's the standard format of the 24/7 meetings at IHOP.

So, last night I had to leap out of my comfort zone as we actually tried it out with worship leaders, prayer leaders, prophetic singers, and chorus leaders. And, once we got going, it really was a shame to have to stop and go home to our families (we do love them... but this was starting to feel really good!). I don't know if it will flow as well once we get a congregation to lead and the nerves ramp up a notch, but I don't think it will take that long to get used to.

So, Yvonne.... Seems you've been right about me all along. I just needed some structure.

Birthday Girl

2005-09-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. Monday was my birthday. And as a present to myself I invited a dozen of my girlfriends for a night out and some bra shopping last Friday.

Yes. Bra shopping.

It's my party and I'll shop if I want to, shop if I want to, shop if I want to.... You could shop too if it appeals to you...

Then we went out for munchies, drinks, and some really great conversation. I didn't get home until 1:30 in the morning. I have GOT to do this again! (Plus I got a really cute bra, but I won't be posting any photos. Heck, I won't even be taking any photos....)

Happy Birthday to me....

Things that keep me awake at night...

2005-08-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

And I don't mean my husband or my kids....

Have you ever lain awake at night with your mind whirling processing stuff? Then tried to remember what it was in the morning, because it was really good stuff? That's where I am.

There was something about Paul...

Philippians 4:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I wondered, being the language freak that I am, whether that word "of" might also be translated as "is". As in: the secret is being content. Have we spent so much time wondering what the secret is to being content that we forget that we can just choose to be content? On the other hand, as I read this morning, perhaps the secret is in verse 13. Being content comes from knowing that the one who gives me strength is bigger than the circumstances. Hmmm....

I think I was also running around the whole idea of suffering again...

When we're young(er) we tend to find ourselves in an idealistic mindset. Not a bad thing. But we come to God with full commitment of our hearts/selves. We wholeheartedly tell God that we want to be like Him (in character), with perhaps a few ideas of how that might happen, but not usually a firm grasp on what the process looks like. I think it looks like suffering. I think it doesn't look like the plans we make - even if they look like good ones.

Here's what it's looked like for me...

I met a guy and fell in love just before shipping off for a year to spend on missions. (hard)
I didn't go to the country I thought I was called to originally, but came back to work in the Canadian office and did work that was not what I was led to believe I'd be doing. (disappointing)
I had the roommate from Hell, and was basically told by my leaders to just take it. (disillusioning, and really hard)
My dad died before I got married. (hard) But he got saved a few months before that .(amazing!)
My mom didn't know to follow us to the wedding pictures and blamed me. (stress)
We've dealt with infertility for nearly 15 years now. (devastating)
We miscarried 4 1/2 years into the process. (rip out heart, stomp on it, question everything)
We adopted (YAY!!!) and discovered the unique(?) challenges of raising a special needs kid.(streeeeeeeeetchinnnnnggggg)
We added another one. (exponential stress)
We had an adoption fall through because the woman wasn't even pregnant. (questions....)
We've had housing changes and job moves, and all the insecurity that comes with them. (stress)

So... is God good? There was a time in there that I was actually arguing out of scripture that He wasn't. (Don't ask me what I was using.... I cannot possibly remember now). Now.... well,.... I'm fully convinced that all this was/is meant to serve a purpose in my life. It's one thing to say "Though you slay me, I will trust you Lord...", but another thing when the rubber actually meets the road. And something else completely when the road has gone on for so many years and He is still silent... I'm probably only just beginning to learn what it means to be slain - to die to all I thought I was/was going to be, to release expectations for my life, not to mention expectations of how He works.

I know that my roots go deeper now because my faith has been tested (that is - put to use, as opposed to seeing if it's there) and tried by fire. I have questioned - and am still questioning - and I know that He is not only big enough to take it, but welcomes the fight to make this faith my own. There have been times when I've had to step back from worship team because my wrestle didn't allow me to sing songs of his goodness with integrity. And I think He's honoured that.

He cares more about my character than about my comfort. And that's why I can look at the hard times and say that God is still good. Still? He is so good that He lays out my life with blessing and struggle. He makes me weak and strong at the same time. He is not so simple as to make things easy for us who believe and hard for those who don't. And does not only use tough times as a consequence of poor choices. Sometimes it's hard just because He loves us. He wants more for us than we can see. He calls us to maturity, and then lays the path for us to achieve it almost in spite of ourselves.

You can call me crazy if you want. You won't be the first. But I know of a young couple who recently had a serious change of plans. They were headed for something good because they want more of God. Now they are unable to follow that plan, and instead have something that looks like a bad thing, a struggle, to deal with. And while we do pray for release from this thing that looks bad (and it may be), I have a sneaking suspicion that what God has for them is really exactly what they were after. Just a different path. God is taking them deeper in ways they probably couldn't have gone by following the original plan.

Isn't He good?....

Proud Mama

2005-08-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

Another day of swimming lessons down, and I could just about burst with pride for my boys!

Yesterday their teacher was trying to get Matt to put his head under water and open his eyes. He hasn't really liked to get his face wet at all. He told her that he would try it tomorrow, and she said OK and left it.

Alright,... first you have to know that it is impressive that he was even able to find the words to tell her what he was thinking. I was blown away by that. People tend to think he's stupid because he doesn't answer questions right away - especially when he's not expecting them. So I can see that he's built up some trust in this teacher.

Which brings us to today. Today Matt followed through with what he said. He very gently lowered himself into the water and opened his eyes! We all praised him, and you could tell that he was SOOO proud of himself. On the way out of the pool he begged for us to go swimming tonight (which we did) just so he could show his dad what he could do...

Kelvin is doing so well that he should have been passed into the next class already (I think). Not bad for a kid who's never taken lessons before. He always wants to be the one to demonstrate skills, and if Matt's not sure what he's supposed to do Kelvin comes up and says "like this, Matt..." and demos it for him. My little fish-boy is such a neat kid!

Yep. I am one proud Mama.

New Look, New Name

2005-08-22T09:47:00.000-05:00

Whooooooo Hoooooooo!!!!!

I'm tellin' ya... that Yvonne is some kinda artist.....

I found a picture I wanted to use here, and she made it into this incredibly beautiful new skin for me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!

However, the name "Chicken Stew" didn't really go with the new pic. So.... now I am taking you Down the Garden Path... or am I.... you decide....

Gotta run! Swimming lessons are calling!

Swimming Lessons

2005-08-08T11:36:00.000-05:00

My boys are currently on their first round of swimming lessons. The interesting question would be who is learning more, me or them...

Kelvin is a water baby. He LOVES to be there. He gets distracted, but he tries everything his teacher asks. He just automatically believes he can swim since he can manage to dog paddle his way back to the side.

Matt hates to get his face wet. He is slow to transition. He's always turning around to look at me. He refuses to try anything that MIGHT involve getting his face wet - stating matter-of-factly "I can't".

Am I surprised? Well,....... not really. What surprises me is how annoyed I still get with him because of it. I know he could learn this stuff if he were willing to try. And I really believe he would enjoy being at the pool more (if that's even possible) if he had the skills to do stuff without his lifejacket on.

So.... my lesson? I'm not in control. I can't MAKE Matt try. I can't MAKE Kel acknowledge his need of instruction. I can encourage and remind, but I do not control them. They make their own choices. They are going to choose and live out their own consequences. My job? Teach when there's an opening. Repeat, repeat, repeat - but without that "*sigh***** I've told you this a hundred times already" tone in my voice. Pray hard. Validate them. And stop attaching my OWN value to their behaviour - aka results.

*Whoo!* I'm musing some of this stuff as I write here....

Hmmm.... Is God any less when I mess up? Uh.... nope. So.... when my kids are taking their time learning stuff does that make me less? Uh.... nope again. So....if I'm going to measure something, it should be my own response to their particular learning curves. That is something I actually can control. It's my response, right?

So the tricky question is.... how can I respond in such a way as to encourage the attempt, without forcing the issue, or appearing to force the issue?

Interesting.

Feedback?

Say What?!

2005-08-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

I wish I could, but for the last three days I have been vocally challenged. My skills at charades have improved vastly, but my voice remains silent. And perhaps that's a good thing. For if I had my voice today I might have regaled Matthew with one of my favorite quotes from the immortal Apu Nahasapimapetalon :

"I can't believe you don't shut up!!"

Which is far more applicable than "Banana Bread! What were you thinking?!"

*****sigh******

Now, I realize that my kid has some interesting wiring going on inside his head. I do try not to be overly subtle with him, or he'll miss the point. But some days even the direct "be quiet!!!" or "stop saying that!!!" is met with simple defiance. Even as he watches the time out minutes piling up while we're out for lunch, and even when he's serving that time after we get home, he still doesn't get it. Some days a simple 1-2-3 count is pretty much all it takes to stop bad behaviour, but not today. Today he sits in a restaurant and spits at me. He even threatened to bite me. When he is corrected he laughs and yells out to the world "My mom is a stupid mom! The one with the red shirt on! Hey everybody! My mom is stupid!" ( I wasn't even wearing red today...) What are you gonna do? You can't very well smack his bottom or duct tape his mouth shut. Not that it would work if you did....

No, you take a deep breath, search madly for the Advil you know you have somewhere and hope it will release you from the pain of the huge vein throbbing in your forehead. You decide that perhaps ordering in while you visit with an out-of-town aunt tonight would be better than going out. You pray for more grace. You give him the time out - knowing that he will likely fall asleep during it, and hope that he will have more control when he wakes.

And you come to the computer and blog all the stuff that your mouth is unable to say...

Do you think he'll ever get the idea that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?...

The "it" girl

2005-07-30T15:45:00.000-05:00

Erica tagged me.

Now I have to think.

Worse. I have to think of five more people to tag.

Alright, grey matter, here goes...

10 years ago today-> Let's see, it's not quite August yet, so I would have been a few weeks pregnant with the only child I ever conceived - and lost a few weeks later.

5 years ago -> Hmmm... I had a two-year-old, and our planned adoption had just fallen through because the birthmom was, in fact, not pregnant in the first place.

1 year ago-> We had just come back from visiting Doug's family in Calgary, and my in-laws were in town for a family anniversary.

Yesterday -> slept late, went grocery shopping, took the kids to the playground, finished reading another Narnia book to the kids.

Tomorrow -> Planning to head to the zoo.

5 snacks I enjoy -> Cadbury fruit and nut bars, black licorice, zesty Doritos, peanut butter cups, Dutch licorice (double salt)

5 adult beverages I enjoy -> I don't like adult beverages. Not even one.

5 bands I know the lyrics to-> Bands? Songs, perhaps... Most U2, Dire Straits, Phil Keaggy, the Eagles (Get over it!), and the closing theme to Corner Gas....

5 things I would do with $100 000 000 -> pay off family mortgages, renovate said houses, give my mom an allowance, fund more FASD-specialized classrooms, maybe study linguistics just for fun... Oh, and get Jude a bigger house!

5 locations I would like to run away to -> Heaven (yeah, yeah, cheesy... but true), Austria, Scotland, a cabin of my own, an amazing spa for extreme pampering.

5 bad habits I have -> Proofreading everything, procrastination, shooting my mouth off, defeating self-talk, eating too much junk

5 things I love doing -> Ha! you thought I was gonna say knitting! But I'm over that at the moment. I love eating freshly baked dense fudgy brownies, watching my kids sleep (*whew* silence!), riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad coaster at Disney World(go figure - I'm not a roller coaster girl), proofreading, singing (worship mostly)...

5 things I would never wear -> butt floss (thong), blue eyeshadow, size 2, "nuthin' at all"(stupid sexy Flanders!), 4" spike heels...

5 tv shows I like -> the Simpsons, Crossing Jordan, Law and Order - CI, Reba, What Not to Wear

5 movies I like-> Anne of Green Gables (the whole freakin' 8 hours!), Simon Birch, the Princess Bride, Blast from the Past, the Party (Peter Sellers)

5 famous people I would love to meet-> Her Majesty, the Queen (what!? I'm English and Scottish!), Mother Teresa (no one said they had to be living!), Mel Gibson, Phil Keaggy, Nick Arrojo and Carmindy ( I could use the makeover!)

5 biggest joys at the moment -> Yikes! I'm more of a cup half-empty girl, so this is a tough one... let's see... Being able to express myself, seeing my kids learn, wearing the right size bra, finding a way to get Kelvin to eat veggies (whoo hoo carrot & raisin salad!), and NOT gaining any weight this week.

5 favorite toys-> Computer, TV remote, delete key, timer, ones I don't have to clean up

5 people to tag -> Well, obviously I'm gonna tag Jude, then Mel. I'd tag Colleen but she's offline at the moment. So I'm gonna tag Shannon, Mercy, and Loraleigh and let them answer on the Breathe site.

So there you go... Tag! You're it!

What's in a name?

2005-07-28T09:48:00.000-05:00

A blog by any other name would smell as...

Yeah, yeah, cut the poetry and get on with it....

I was thinking the other day about changing the name of my blog. I chose it originally because Chicken Stew is warm, nourishing, and full of all kinds of weird things. And that's what I thought my blog would be.

Well.... it's full of all kinds of weird things, but it's far more full of passionate rantings and musings than things that are warm.... Nourishing maybe, but not all that warm and fuzzy usually. (Is fuzzy stew a good thing?)

But then I found myself over on Joyska's blog telling her that I would have to stew on what she had written. Stew? Hey... I could be onto something.

Chicken Stew. Full of all kinds of weird stuff, and a place where this chick does her stewing...

Reader's Digest

2005-07-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know... I need to post more often instead of putting out these novellas, or manifestos, or other long-winded pieces of print.

Heavy Heart

My dearest friend, Jude, has lost her father, lost an uncle, and struggles to find a way to relate to her mom. And I am at a complete loss as to how to help her. Not that I haven't been in a similar situation - I was the one who held the family together when my Dad died, and my mom later lost her ability to think straight. The tough part, I think, is that all this other stuff (caring for her mom and the estate stuff) is making it extra difficult for her to process her own grief. I wish I could lift off some of this other stuff and give her the space to process. Everyone needs the opportunity to process grief at their own pace. But, alas, I am not superwoman (could she do this?), or God. So I will call out to the one who is. God, that is. I'm not calling out to a fictional character - I'm not that far gone!

God, it is my prayer that you would not leave Jude in this space any longer than necessary to accomplish whatever it is You have purposed. Bring your comfort to my friend and the strength necessary to walk this path. You are with her all the time - there is nowhere she can go that You are not there. Be her comfort, her strength, her counselor, and give her Your perspective.

Exegesis Schmexegesis

Yuck. I hate when I have to do this. I had to do it once before in a small house church, and I don't think he ever quite fully forgave me.

I had to challenge someone on a public teaching that I didn't think was exegetically correct. I'm risking relationship, but I feel so strongly about truth that I couldn't keep quiet. Now I wait for the fall-out.

Yuck.

Fit Fit Fit

Yesterday we got a family membership at the Y. You know what this means, of course.... More structure in my life! Generally speaking that's a good thing, but I fear being too busy in fall and not having enough down time. Tradeoffs. Life is full of 'em.

Camp WannaHockALoogie

We brave (insane?) souls took our boys camping for a couple of days last week. Doug's parents were here (for a family funeral) and always come with their fifth-wheel trailer, so we took advantage and went camping with them to Riding Mountain on their way home. They in their trailer. We in our tent. It was a good time, for the most part, but on the second evening of the mandatory drive to spot wildlife both boys fell asleep in the van. Not good. Not good at all....

Matt spent the next few hours whining about how he couldn't sleep. It was enough for Doug to cut our stay short by one night. Doug has enough sleep issues himself. He knew he couldn't take another night like that and remain reasonably sane.

On the plus side, we did spot several black bears, a herd of bison, four deer, a moose, and several (read dozens of) crows. Oh, and one vole.

So, there you have it. My life at the moment. Keep on challenging your assumptions. After all, what's the worst that could happen? You could find truth....

Verbal Diahh....well, you know...

2005-06-27T09:41:00.000-05:00

So much to say, and so little time to blog....

I could do this in a few posts, but I have a theory that says that folks only read the most recent post, so I'm gonna stuff it all in here.

Worship Retreat

I have been on the worship team at WCV from the very beginning - which will be 10 (count 'em - 10) years this fall. I have been to most, if not all the worship retreats, and I must say that I think this one was my favorite. Sure there were some things done differently in the format, but I think that there's also something a bit different in me. I'm just in a different space now, and that just lends itself to a different experience.

For a lot of years now I've been hiding. Just not so sure of myself. Sitting on the fringes watching while other people are connecting and having fun. Scared to speak up or take initiative. I'm not fully out of that, but I'm starting to see my extrovert self coming back to the surface - hopefully with a bit more maturity this time! I'm not so afraid to speak up. And I did get to know a couple of people a bit who had previously really been only faces. I felt relaxed.

Then there was the way Brian introduced me. A bit strange, since everyone was introducing themselves, but Brian felt compelled to tell everyone that I (and Doug) had been his first housegroup leader in the Vineyard. Maybe it gave me confidence that I still have some call to lead - I certainly had no trouble speaking for our small group. I received a couple of neat encouraging words on the weekend, too. One of which I keep hearing from my husband, and am hearing in different ways from other sources, too. Joel said that he saw me as a teacher. Now I know that I have NO patience for teaching school, but I do enjoy working with the kids there. Small groups. One on one. Doug thinks I should become a TA, or even go for a teaching degree (that one's NOT gonna happen), and Matt's teacher has been quite forward in suggesting that I do some TA work as well.

Family Dinners

Alright, who really enjoys family dinners? I mean extended family - beyond your own household. I have a great time at them when they are Doug's family. We all get along wonderfully, and the conversation is stimulating. The food is fabulous, and no one is overly picky.

Not so in mine.

On Thursday we had a barbecue for my sister's and nephew's birthdays. I was hosting and therefore supplying all but the beverages. I cleaned my house, prepped all the meat in my fridge that needed to get to the freezer so that I would have room for salads and such. I made shish-kebabs, salmon, fruit salad, tossed salad, and had hot dogs and burgers available. I mopped my kitchen, scrubbed my bathroom, and still chauffeured my kids to school, did laundry, and made lunch. I was on my feet all day. At around 5:00 my mom arrived with my sister. I told Doug he needed to fire up the barbecue. He could take the shish-kebabs, the burgers, and the dogs, but I was still making the sauce for the salmon (with people milling all around my work area, no less!). My mom stops and says "Well, you give her two weeks notice you'd think she'd be a little more organized!"

I was aghast! Stunned! I was not gonna keep silent about this! I turned around and said that that was just about the rudest thing I've ever heard. Of course I think she'd gone outside for a smoke by then... Unbelievable! Sorry, mom, but the salmon isn't ready for the grill 'cause I stopped to make sure you had a clean place to pee!

Can you see the steam coming out of my ears? It's four days later, and I still haven't managed to let it go. I will. I'm just stunned that someone would say something like that.

Self-image vs. Body image

Erica, I got your note on my last post. You're right. There is a higher truth about who I am. My value does not lie in my shape, size, or weight. I am my beloved's and that's where my value comes from. He sees me as lovely, even when I don't.

What happened around the same time as the dressing room horror, was that I had gone online and checked out my BMI (body mass index). It seems that I have crossed the border from overweight to obese. I don't feel obese. But those are the numbers. And with them come so much more risk of heart disease and stroke - both of which my father had. Weight is something I feel so out of control of, and being a control freak that's more than a little bit scary.

The answer? Babysteps. Absolutely. Making the treadmill a habit one day at a time is completely the way to go. Making small, sustainable changes in my eating habits. Not expecting to drop it all overnight. As FlyLady would say - It didn't get that way overnight, it's not going to get where it should be that quickly, either.

SD

For anyone not "in the know" I am becoming known as a S*** Disturber. It's quite a distinction. Essentially, it means that I'm gonna call it as I see it. And I have been doing a bit more of it lately.

My friend Johan has a blog. Awhile back, shortly after he began it he said something that got my blood boiling a bit, so I challenged him. We sparred on it a bit, and several others weighed in with their thoughts. It's just the kind of dialogue I relish. Dig deep. Look at all the sides of the issue. If you don't agree with me - TELL ME. "Come, let us reason together...".

Anyway, I just found out that our dialogue was offending some folks. They worried that I was being too harsh. However, I must have scared them 'cause they called the church office instead of letting me know. I am still surprised. Johan and I have never taken this personally. We're just as much friends as we ever were. And if you had followed the dialogue to it's end you'd see it ended with him asking if I could sing with him the next Sunday. And I did. Frankly, we laughed about it when we heard that some people were worried. We needed to wrestle the issue out. Why are people afraid of that?

So here's a question.... If you haven't wrestled with your beliefs, are they really yours?

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Happy wrestling... uh, I mean reading... I mean... D'OH!

Little 'ole me.... As if!

2005-06-16T10:14:00.000-05:00

At the moment, I feel very small - or is that large?....

Last night I did a bit of shopping. I have a wedding to go to this summer, and not much of anything to wear, so I thought I'd hit my favorite store and see if they had anything. I picked out some skirts, a few tank tops, a blouse, and a dress and headed for the change room.

Not my best move.

I put on a cute skirt. Orange/red/white floral. A little unusual for me.

Then I turned sideways.

I almost started to cry right there in the room. I know that I'm a lot heavier than I want to be or should be. It's getting harder to find clothes that fit at all. And the reason I went shopping last night was for new sneakers so I could actually get back on to my treadmill without my feet and legs hurting. Did you know that skirts have NO tummy control? Jeans, even ones with lycra, will hold you in a bit, but in a skirt you are on your own. I couldn't believe my eyes! I never wanted to be seen in public again.

So, in the end I came home with a new pair of sneakers, a slurpee and chocolate bar for my husband, chocolate and Pepsi for me, and my spirit dragging on the ground. I know I'm just adding to the problem, but at least it tasted good going down.

My cheering/nagging squad has done a great job of saying "yay you!" when I post about my week, but not one of them has noticed that I haven't sent them anything in weeks. No one wants to know what's going on, and that's the support I was hoping for. Someone to question me, not just cheer.

So, I'll try not to wallow, but get up tomorrow and put on the sneakers I'm breaking in today and head for the treadmill. I will try to opt for the fruits and veggies when I'm really hungry, and do my best to distract myself when I know my munchies are not really a hunger thing. It just can't keep going on like this.

Well... Duh!!

2005-06-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

Yep.

Sometimes you just have to be hit over the head to get it.

It seems that on the days I remember to pray for Matt and his class to have a good day, etc. that they actually DO have a good day.

Why is this just occurring to me now? Mid-June?

Sometimes I'm just a tad slow on the uptake...

Duh....

Cute Kid Quote

2005-06-13T09:59:00.000-05:00

Matt and Kelvin were catching bugs the other day when we overheard this one...

Kelvin: " Look! There's another Daddy Long Neck!"

great.... we've got dinosaur bugs.....

Crispy

2005-05-24T22:49:00.000-05:00

Toasted.

Sizzlin'.

Roasted.

Char-Broiled.

Cooked.

Stick a fork in 'er and put 'er on a plate 'cause she's done!

Got this beauty (and a matching one on the other side) at the Pow Wow at Kelvin's school on Friday.

You could say it's a Pow Wow owie.

You could... But you probably shouldn't.

Clarification... plus a few thoughts...

2005-05-10T10:47:00.000-05:00

I was reading the comments from my last post, and it occurred to me that I needed to clarify something....

It would be really easy to infer from my last post that I buy into the philosophy that says "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I can see how one could arrive at that conclusion, but it's actually not the case. In fact, I have a very strong gut reaction to that statement. I'd phrase it more like this:

" Whatever doesn't kill you can wound you deeply. Healing comes from God
and is available to the wounded, so that what was hurt can be re-built better
than before. Healing can also be rejected. We can choose to dwell in
our wounded state, learn nothing but self-pity, and grow no stronger -
eventually to die. Whatever kills you is a more direct route to life
in the form of resurrection."

But, of course, that doesn't make a great catch phrase, now does it?

I also caught sight of a comment on another blog about going through the fire (thanks, Cath!). It reminded me of the scripture... (actually, I smucked myself on the forehead and wondered how I could have forgotten about this one...)

I Peter 1:

6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have
had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your
faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may
be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is
revealed.

Ummmm.... Does it get any clearer than that? Suffering through trials has a purpose. The result is good in the end - the very end, that is. Not necessarily in my lifetime, but ultimately my faith being proved genuine will bring praise to God. At least that's how I read it. I think it helps to remember that God has a perspective that we don't have. He already knows how it's going to turn out. We, for the most part, stumble through and struggle to hold on to the knowledge that God knows what He's doing - even if He's choosing not to let us in on it. But that's another bunny trail.

I had another thought over the last couple of days. This one was about the time Jesus spent in the garden before his crucifixion. If I recall, it went like this:

Luke 22:

41 He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed,
42 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours
be done."

I would, perhaps, paraphrase it this way:

"Y'know, Dad... this doesn't look like it's going to be easy. Are you
sure there isn't another way? ANY other way? *sigh*****
Alright. I know. If it has to be this way then I'll do it. I
know I can trust your judgement. If you say it has to be this
way,..... well,..... okay."

Did you see that? Even Jesus didn't go running into suffering! He went, but not before asking the question. Cool. We can ask, too. Maybe there's another way. Maybe there isn't. Sometimes, I think, (oh, please correct me if I'm wrong - I'm just musing by the seat of my pants again!) we have a choice about whether or not we take a certain path that we can foresee will be painful. Should we ask? Of course. Just because a path is in front of us doesn't mean it's the one God has for us. And I'm a big believer in the "free will of man". But that is another bunny trail, and I think I will choose not to follow it right now.

So.... how's my work in progress so far?

Suffering

2005-05-04T09:25:00.000-05:00

Before I get started I just want to say that this is a work in progress. I've been stewing on this one for over a month, but I don't expect to get all my thoughts down in just this one post. I welcome feedback, challenge, and clarification.

There.

Now, I will begin my thoughts on suffering with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite musicians - Phil Keaggy.

The way to find our selves is in the fires of our sorrow
Do we look around, expect to see the wind?
Could we prevent the trials that we face with each tomorrow?
Can't we see the world we're living in?

When suffering restores us, burns away the empty shallowness
And softening the heart, To be broken bread and poured out wine.

When it rains, it pours, turns a life into a chalice;
There to nourish every soul one at a time.

We do wrong should we refuse to listen to the Master
Who went on before that we walk in His steps?
Before too long we run away...and running even faster,
We fail to see the promise that He kept.

And suffering restores us; burns away the empty shallowness
And softening the heart to be broken bread and poured out wine.

When it rains it pours; turns a life into a chalice;
There to nourish every soul one at a time.
To love is to be broken, but to love nothing and no one,
We must close our own selves up, shut all the doors, And let no one in.

Locked within ourselves where it's safe and dark and motionless
Where love will cease to be
And all the while the air is wearing thin...chalice

When suffering restores us, burns away the empty shallowness,
And softening the heart, to be broken bread and poured out wine...
When it rains it pours; turns a life into a chalice...
There to nourish every soul... One at a time.
Phil Keaggy - Chalice, Inseparable 2000

"Suffering restores us". What an interesting concept. Suffering is not a bad thing, but rather a tool intended to shape our characters. Hmmm... Even that which the enemy intends for harm can be redeemed. What a God we have!

The implication is that suffering is just a part of life. It happens. It may or may not be a result of some action/choice we've made. Either way, it happens. The rain falls on the good and the bad. The question, I think, is "what do we do with it?". Do we run from it and miss the opportunity to grow? Sure, sometimes. I mean, who really seeks out suffering?

"Uh, yeah... do you think I could take the car with no shocks on that unpaved
mountain pass? No, wait... I think I'll go on foot. Barefoot - yeah,
that's it. And do you think I could go during hurricane season?
Right, and I'll take some of that Malaria, if you've got any. While you're
at it, do you think you could arrange to have my family tortured, and my home destroyed? I just don't think this mosquito bite here will do enough to
make me holy."

Obviously running towards suffering isn't going to gain you IQ points, either. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) But what about taking what life hands us? Some deal with illness. Some with social dynamics. Some live in poverty. Some have circumstances that can be changed for the better. Some live with things that only God can change - but which He isn't in the habit of doing, generally. What do we do with it all? Complain? Beg for help? Paste a smile on your face and pretend it's not happening? Give up? Throw a fit? Do the "why me" shuffle? Look for greener pastures? Walk away from it? (assuming that's even an option) Blame God? Or can we take the high road - if such it is - and say "this sucks - what can I learn from it?"

Seriously,... If it all has a purpose, then something in us must need to change or grow in response to it. Yeah, I do think that some of this stuff is an attack of the enemy, but God chooses to allow it, so there must be some purpose, some redemption for it. Don't you think?

Here's one I like:

Psalm 127:

3 Don't you see that children are GOD's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
4 Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
5 Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

Yeah, I know - what do kids have to do with suffering, right? Are any of you parents? How can I possibly be linking suffering and the blessing of kids? Try me. I believe (wholeheartedly, in fact) that the blessing that kids bring to our lives as parents is less about the joy of watching them grow up and more about the changes that are wrought in us. Can you possibly be a parent and not be changed? It is not an easy job, let me tell you. Add in a disability and you can change the grit on the sandpaper to coarse! Most days I think I'm being taken to with a wood plane! Of course, I think that's just because God has been merciful enough not to take after my character with a table saw - but that's another discourse. Point is, that you can sweep your enemies away because you've already been through the trenches, and your enemies can't possibly hit you in your soft spots like your kids can. You've "suffered" and changed and are stronger for it - if you don't give up. Hmmm... that reminds me....

2 Corinthians 4:

8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in
despair;
9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus
may also be revealed in our body.
11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

Galatians 6:

9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Am I seeing a pattern here? Life is tough, but it's meant to build you into His image. Let His life shine through.

One of my "life philosophies" is this: God cares more about my character than about my comfort.

What's scary is when I heard Him say that He also cares more about my kids' character than their comfort....

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha......(tee hee)

2005-04-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

A really funny thing happened to us over the weekend. But out of respect for my husband I won't share any details.

Nope.

None.

But trust me, it was FUUUUNNNYY!

So, have a laugh anyway.... it's good for your heart!

Holiday.....

2005-04-04T09:36:00.000-05:00

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth.... We just took the kids to Minneapolis for Spring Break. I was going to call it " The Vacation from H***", but apparently we took H*** with us!

Yep. Many FAS behaviours are cyclical, so we often refer to the "behaviour cycle". Matt was in a very bad part of the cycle. And have you ever tried to discipline kids in a hotel room? Not an easy task. Matt's thing right now is calling names. At the top of his lungs. In very public places.

Then Kelvin pulled several of his famous "stubborn fits" at various times and places. That's when he digs in his heels until he gets what he wants. Which he doesn't get. Which causes him to make even more demands. Which he also doesn't get. Which eventually leads to him crying, screaming, hitting us, and often being carried away(depending on the location of the particular fit).

It wasn't all bad, though. I think the best thing they did was rock climbing at Camp Snoopy. What a confidence booster! It was the first time for both of them, and they made it within about a foot of the top! Cool!

They enjoyed the rides and the pool at the hotel when we were the only ones in it. Of course they also enjoyed taking off ahead of us and getting in the elevator, stomping feet in Macy's to hear the echo, and eating Mexican food.

So... here are my darlings....

Education is overrated.

2005-03-24T11:28:00.000-06:00

Oh, alright.... let's take that in context...

There is a prevailing philosophy I keep seeing around me that says: "If you know better, you do better." Basically stating that people will make good choices if only they know what they are choosing.

Hogwash!

Perhaps I'm in the minority,.... so what! I believe that people are "fallen" and "imperfect" creatures. Yes, we do wake up in the morning and say "I'm going to go and do such and such. I know it's not good for me, but I really want to do it, so I will."

Education does have it's place. Without it we cannot know the effects of our choices, but just because we know stuff doesn't mean we're going to act on it. Come on, how many of you reach for the Pepsi (Coke for Joyska) and chocolate or chips when you're stressed, tired, or just plain munchy(in my world, that's a word)? Are we unaware of the negative effects of these things on our bodies? No... we have been educated. Do people still have unprotected sex with multiple partners? Sure. Don't they know about AIDS and STDs? Well, most of them have been educated. Do women still drink while they are pregnant? Not as many as used to, but some still do because the mechanics of addiction are more complicated than education alone can address. Do my kids know what to expect when they start whaling on each other? Yep. Still they choose it.

My point is this: education is good; knowledge is power; but the free will of man(kind) needs more than that to tame it.

The look of love, is in your eyes...

2005-03-15T23:00:00.000-06:00

Thought I'd share another thing that happened to me on Sunday night.

I was sitting for awhile during worship. I think I had my eyes closed. And a conversation of sorts went through my mind.

Me: If I could only touch the hem of His garment I know I would be healed. (No, I have no idea what I wanted to be healed of... that's just the thought that went through my head - in first person.)

Jesus:(with an incredulous tone) The hem of my garment? (pause, while he gathers his composure and checks his tone so as not to give me the "what are you, stupid?" message) Okaaaay, well , yeah, technically that's true..... But (insert affectionate name here - I can't remember what He called me) don't you remember? You're clean now. You can look me in the face!

Wow! What a feeling! I can look Him in the face! The holy God of heaven and earth, and I can not only be in total awe of Him, but I can look Him straight in the face, and see love shining back at me from His eyes!

Laugh it up, fuzzball!

2005-03-13T21:54:00.000-06:00

Does God ever make you laugh?

I mean, out of the blue, hilarious things He shows you that leave you teary and rolling on the floor?

Tonight I was supposed to be praying for healing for Erica and DJ. We were instructed to find out where the "illness" was and pray for the Holy Spirit to come into that place.

They had head colds.

So, Erica, I've reworded it slightly, but here goes:

Up your nose with the Holy Ghost!

*hee hee hee* *whoo*

You're it!

2005-03-12T15:49:00.000-06:00

Well, I have learned something new.

While the kids, Doug's aunt, and I waited in the van for him last night we played some games. I Spy is pretty standard, and it worked for awhile. As Doug returned the boys decided to play Simon Says. I couldn't see how they could do that when they can't see each other (Kel sits in the middle row of the van, Matt in the back). But they managed. Then, before we got home they decided they wanted to play tag.

Tag? In the van?

Oh yeah, and this is how it went...

Kelvin: Tag!

Matt: Times!

Matt: Tag!

Kelvin: Times!

and so on, and so on....

I was just waiting for one of them to call "Home Free!" But we were home by then.

Seems to me that if you can figure out how to play tag in a moving vehicle when you can't reach another body then you really can't ever claim to be bored and be taken seriously, now can you?

Grey Matter

2005-03-08T09:48:00.000-06:00

Oooooowwwww! My brain hurts!!!

I'm finding myself with the opportunity to involve myself in some discussions that require some thought on my part. Not just a passive interest, but I'm really having to think about things. (No, the corn discussion on Erica's Blog doesn't count. That's just a labour of love...)

Wanna know something?.... It feels great! It almost feels like I'm rediscovering a part of me that has been lost for a looooooooong time. Now, I'm not exactly a closet intellectual, and I don't think I have all the answers, but man am I enjoying the process of looking for them!

Excuse me... I have to go find a way to tactfully challenge someone on their exegesis....

Fresh Meat

2005-03-04T09:37:00.000-06:00

I think what Jason shared on Sunday was, for me at least, the thread that ties all of this stuff I'm seeing lately together.

If you missed it, I'll try to sum it up. And Jay, if you're reading this, feel free to correct me....

The basics of it were this: You can only run so far on an old revelation of God. We need a new/fresh revelation of who He is.

Now, I'm not saying that there's new information out there that God has conveniently omitted in His previous revelations of himself. I'm not proposing a New and Improved Testament or anything like that. What I mean is that we need our hearts and minds to be freshly enlightened as to WHO God is and what He's saying.

My friend,Jude,is struggling with some things we might find basic, but I believe that when she comes through this that she will have a much stronger grasp on what she believes because, like Jacob, she refuses to let go of God until He blesses her ( in this case, I believe, with revelation - though I could be wrong - it happens).

I'm hearing other friends of mine over and over again saying how they just feel drawn to read their bibles more. I don't think that has a "natural" source to it. I think it's God drawing and wooing us.

I've been told by some people that I am a person with deep roots. That I know who I am in God. Well, I feel like I've been coasting along for quite awhile now, and this shaking up (since I'm sure it's from God) is just what I'm needing. I come from a Plymouth Brethren background. Big into the Bible, not accepting of prophecy (they believe that prophecy and tongues were gifts that ended with the cannonization of scripture.) I know that I know of my salvation, but I'm so glad that I can't say that I know all there is to know of God. There is more than this!

I was reminded the other day of something I learned at Bible School. We were being taught about the difference between positional and experiencial in regards to righteousness (I think). The idea was that while we are made righteous at salvation (positionally), that we are not immediately transformed but over time as we "work out our salvation" we see more and more righteousness in our lives as He works in us (experiencial). This was big. It means, for me, that He, being outside of time, sees me in that final state. When he longs to dance with me it is not the sin-ridden, guilt-laden, holier-than-none me that He sees. He longs to dance with the one who has been made clean - even if my experience hasn't caught up to that person yet. I can know that in a place outside of time, that's who I am. Or will be (since I am stuck here in time, for now). I'm still not sure of how I approach Him, but for once, I don't feel the need to pull away.

(Oh, and the title.... I was praying and that's what came to me after I wrote the rest of it. It's from the Shawshank Redemption, but I think it refers here to the meat of what He has for us...)

How do you come to God ?

2005-02-24T09:33:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about this a fair bit, lately.

God has so many different ways that He relates to us. He is creator, lord and master, saviour, Father, lover, comforter, teacher, etc.

How do you come to God? What is the persona where you feel most comfortable relating to Him? And how do we get to embracing all of the different facets?

I've discovered that I have no problem relating to God as creator, master, teacher, and Father. But lover?.... That is just too big a stretch for me. I'm not saying it isn't a valid relationship, it's just more than I can wrap my perceptions around at the moment.

This morning I was trying to figure out what it is that makes that particular way of relating so difficult for me, and here's what I came up with...

A parent/child relationship is one of unequals. Not in value, but in what they bring to the relationship. It's supposed to be that way. Same with a teacher/student relationship. The giving goes overwhelmingly, though not completely, one way.

A marriage is a union of equals. At least that's how I understand it. And I think that's where I get tripped up. I've mentioned before about a vision I've had of dancing with Jesus, and just feeling the overwhelming need to pull away because I feel unworthy. I think that this is why. I'm not His equal. I just don't feel comfortable in that position.

Now, I can run to the Father and climb up in His lap and cuddle there and lay all my joys and sorrows out with complete comfort. But I just can't wrap myself around the intimacy of a bride and her groom when the groom is Jesus! I can't sing about longing to lie in the arms of my lover and have it refer to God. I just don't connect there. Something (in me, obviously) is just out of whack.

So, how does one make the leap? How do I relate to the same person as Father and Husband? How do you?

(Ever get the feeling that I'm a practical kind of person? I always have to know "how".)

Skooyul it is!

2005-02-23T09:22:00.000-06:00

This was the conversation I overheard in the van this morning...

Matt: Chel, what Chel like better: home or kool?

Kel: Skooyul

Matt: Home or kool?

Kel: Skooyul

Matt: Better than home?

Kel: yuh.

Matt: Muh-see-um or kool?

Kell: Skooyul.

Matt: Tinkertown or kool?

Kel: Skooyul. (starting to giggle)

Matt: Avenchur city or kool?

Kel: Skooyul (he's definitely teasing and enjoying it now....)

Matt: Moooommmm, Chel keeps saying he likes kool!....

*hee hee hee.....* *whoo...*

Depression

2005-02-14T15:05:00.000-06:00

Where does it come from anyway?

In case you hadn't noticed by now, I haven't been just cynical lately. I've been having a rather nasty bout with depression. On Saturday it took most of the morning and a lot of loving nudging from my sweet husband just to get me out of bed, and even then I couldn't manage to get up before I had a bit of a cry.

I'm becoming more aware that PMS compounds my natural tendency towards depression, and that's probably why it was so bad on Saturday. I just haven't figured out what to do about it.

Oh, I prayed. I begged God for help. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal - not that far gone). I knew I didn't have much hope for the day without Him doing something... And I did feel surprisingly better by evening.

This next bit is going to look like a bunny trail, but follow along... it connects...

I keep CHVN on in the van because even if a lot of the music is sucky, it's at least safe for my kids. I heard a song the other day called "The voice of Truth". I'm sure I've heard it before, but I knew when I heard it this time that I needed to grab on to it. I know that part of what drags me to depression is about my self-image. I hear all kinds of accusations against my character (in my head), and I embrace them because I see the truth in them. There may be only a grain of it, but I see it and grab onto the whole thing. It's just sooooo easy for me to see the bad in me, and near impossible for me to grasp that there might be anything good. Sound depressing? It is.

I heard another song the other day with the line "Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you?" And I thought: "I'm me! Who better to tell me that I don't measure up than me?! Who knows my faults better?" I was rather ticked.

"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says : do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says : this is for My glory. So I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."

I guess I need a lot more practice discerning the voice of Truth. This is a major battle for me, and I'd sure appreciate any prayers on my behalf. Depression and I have been battling for a very long time, and I don't expect it to just suddenly be over. But I do need to score some sort of victory and find a way to be vigilant against my tormenter.

Some of you may find that I'm a bit more open and vulnerable than you are comfortable with. That's OK. I believe that's what God wants me to do. Show all my colours. This one just happens to be black.

Why I hate Valentine's Day.

2005-02-10T09:36:00.000-06:00

Ah yes, it's almost upon us again. That hallmark holiday. The season of forced giving that means nothing simply because it is expected.

Valentine's day is just like Mother's day in my books. It seems to me that if one does not receive appreciation (or tokens thereof) during the rest of the year then why on earth would one attach value to something given on one day a year because that's what you're supposed to do? It has no meaning. It's a token given out of duty, not love. And even if there is love in the motive it's overshadowed by the duty of the day.

And, heaven forbid your loved one should forget or misjudge your expectations or just plain get you ugly, useless stuff. (no reflection on Doug, here - this is a general rant) Why would you want to put that kind of pressure on the one you love to meet your unspoken expectations? Not very loving of us, I'd say...

So,... that's why I don't bother with Valentine's or Mother's day. You can keep 'em. I'll accept the spontaneous, heartfelt, non-duty-bound expressions of appreciation anytime throughout the year, without having to wonder about the motive.

Incredible Hulk

2005-02-10T09:30:00.000-06:00

Don't make me angry.... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry....

I don't.

And, sadly, that seems to be my constant state of mind, lately.

I've heard it said that depression is merely unexpressed anger. I don't really agree, but let me tell you this : expressing it doesn't alleviate the depression, it just leads to more self-loathing, which adds to the depression.

And that's all I want to say about that.

Double Whoops!

2005-02-07T13:53:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, it could only get worse, right?

So...... as I'm taking a break from my kids (aka lounging in my bedroom...) so I don't vent my frustration with them on them, what do I see out of the corner of my eye?...

A gerbil.

And if one of them is out, then the other one must be too..

So, here I am, trying to catch two gerbils while hobbling on an injured ankle. I catch one, and before I can get him back in the cage (which I had to secure) he bites me! This, naturally, causes me to fling him into the air and he manages to land in the box of Lego. I manage to corner the other one and use a section of tubing to catch and re-deposit him. THEN, I can go tend to my wounds.

I had to call Matt up to watch them and make sure they don't escape while I go downstairs to find the bandaids. Then I had to figure out how to reconfigure their cage while tripping over two over-eager boys. I finally get things in order (after sending the lads downstairs) only to hear a cry as Matt has thrown a book at Kelvin (oh yeah, he was provoked).

So, the gerbils are in their cage, the boys are in their rooms, and I am free to tell the tale - now that all the testosterone has been contained.

Come home soon, Doug....

Whoops!

2005-02-07T11:20:00.000-06:00

Well, we almost made it through the weekend without major mishap....

Last night I went downstairs to do some last minute blogging before putting the boys to bed and when I reached the bottom of the stairs I tripped/slipped on the hotwheels tracks my guys had so lovingly neglected to put away.

Now, I happen to have really weak ankles, and this happened to be the one I had a nasty sprain on a couple of years ago. So....

Since it is my driving foot I am unable to take Matt to school this morning. This gives me more time with my boys (who, by the way, posess not a single ounce of compassion between them). While they are thrilled to have the time at home to play (Kelvin had the day off anyway), they don't seem to comprehend that I can't just jump up to do all the things I normally do.

I've had it wrapped up for awhile, and it isn't quite as bad as last night (though I did catch it on the same tracks when I ventured downstairs this morning (D'oh!). Fortunately, Doug gets home tonight - late tonight - so I only have to get through one more solo day...

Flying Solo

2005-02-05T14:02:00.000-06:00

Doug is in Calgary this weekend. Three days, in fact. His brother and family are in town from Mozambique via Brazil for a few weeks so we arranged for Doug to take a long weekend to go visit.

That leaves me alone with my guys.

So far, we're all still breathing. In fact, we're actually enjoying each other for the most part. We were all up late last night from taking Doug to the airport, then we had to get some stuff done at home before we could all turn in.

Matt didn't go to sleep 'til after 10:30, and still had a small night terror (I think). He woke briefly before midnight, called my name, but by the time I got there he was already self-soothing and seemed pretty calm. I didn't hear anything more from him the rest of the night.

This morning the boys got up and played together while I had a shower. Then I took them to McD's for breakfast and the play structure. What a great way to spend a Saturday morning! They played for over an hour before I felt they needed to go. We even made a stop at the store for milk with no incidents.

I think I've been working really hard at my "Zen Parenting"(Be the duck, feel it all flowing off your back, just like water.... be the duck). I've been trying to cut them a lot of slack, and not let myself get annoyed by some stuff that's just kids being kids.

Matt's been responsive and not caused too much of an uproar. Kelvin, naturally, has had requests for things that don't occur to him until I reach the bottom of the stairs or get to the computer, but I think we've got that under control, too.

I've managed to fold and put away a load of laundry, do all the dishes I left myself from yesterday, clean the DR table (where the boys are playing now), and take out the garbage. We've had lunch, and they are playing with play doh (Matt), and making cards (Kel) - halloween ones for next year, he said. Well, they were when I started this post.

And how about that? I've managed to find time to blog.

So, any of you who were having trouble reading any of my stuff due to the new format, I've made some more changes. Let me know if it's coming through any better now. I'm also working on a blog for our extended family. I think I'm going to pick a different template to modify 'cause I'm not really happy with how things are turning out with the one I started with. I'm not confident enough with html yet to do one from scratch.

Ciao!

Rain rain go away...

2005-01-31T09:41:00.000-06:00

It's raining, it's pouring
We've found new leaks this morning,
We went to bed
while the floor got wet
and the temperature was soaring.

Never, never buy an old house. Even with a home inspection that says everything's ok. Do not buy these things unless you have the wherewithal to completely renovate.

We had our attic spaces (all but one) worked on, insulated, roof vents put in, etc. a couple of years ago because of a leak due to ice damming. Now, the same space is pouring with water which is getting under the adjoining floor boards and leaking into our living room in several places. We've got buckets in the attic, buckets in the living room....

The other attic space had been used for storage. It needs a complete renovation. Fortunately we had moved out the majority of our stuff, but it's almost impossible to keep that space cool. Hence, that attic also has many leaks. We thought we had them contained until we found water coming through the drywall ceiling and one of the walls in Kelvin's room.

*sigh*

I've run out of buckets, ice cream pails, and margarine containers. We're having to raid the 3 cup yogourt containers, and that's just depressing. Kelvin's mattress got moved upstairs to the playroom (funny, there's no leaks on the second floor of our 1 1/2 story house...) for now. The roof guys come tomorrow to remove the snow from the valley over the attic with the worst leak (Doug can't reach it with the snow rake). And I'm expecting a call from a renovator/contractor.

And that's all I have to say about that. I hope.

New Look For Me

2005-01-26T21:56:00.000-06:00

Yes!

It is mine, alllllll mine!

Well, OK, technically I just played around with the basic template, and I couldn't have done it on my own to begin with.... so I still have to say a HUGE thank-you to Yvonne....

But I did it!

This is SO me !

I hope you all like it and can still read everything. I still need a new photo of me, but those are hard to come by, and the ones I took of myself were perfectly hideous, so we'll just have to wait until someone takes a decent photo of me. We could be in for a loooooong wait.

Bev, I hope this much change doesn't put you into shock.

Yvonne, I used a "div" command for the heading (in case you were wondering).

Smartie Pants

2005-01-23T23:02:00.000-06:00

I did it! I did it!

I figured out how to change my font size so I can have something large enough to read without looking like I'm shouting. And I did it all by myself!

Well, OK, I had some help from htmlgoodies.com . So much so that I can read the html code on my template and understand most of it. Hence the change in font size. I just learned what a "css" is.

Now, if I can only get myself to the tutorial on backgrounds I might even be able to change the knitting photo - to another knitting photo, of course....

Right,... and I need to take another photo of myself for the sidebar.... since I don't look like that anymore...

Doug thinks I should just go learn this stuff and go to work so he can stay home with the kids... Not likely to happen... I just like the powerful feeling I get from being able to manipulate this stuff. I don't want the pressure of having to develop with it. Takes all the fun out of it.

Learning Curve

2005-01-19T22:13:00.000-06:00

Hey, guess what I just found....

It's a website that offers *FREE* primers and tutorials in html. It'll take me awhile to work through it, but at least now I have something to work from. Maybe I'll even get to modifying my own blog....

Gee, Yvonne, what would you do with one less blog to play with?

Well, no reason to panic yet. Let's not get the cart before the horse. First I have to read the stuff, then I have to understand it, then I have to use it, and in order to do that I have to find TIME.

Oh well, if anyone's interested in brushing up on it themselves, I found it here

HTML this!

2005-01-17T22:51:00.000-06:00

Waaaaaahooooooo!!!

I couldn't for the life of me get any line breaks in that "wisdom" post. It was terribly frustrating!

So I went and took a look at some of the html code in my template and lo and behold, I figured out how to edit the stuff myself! I didn't even have to put in a call to my webgoddess! Of course, on this post I seem to be missing the buttons that let me pick my font and font size, but then I would just consider that poetic justice for my pride....

That or Murphy's Law...

Help....

Oh wait, there they are... don't ask me what I did, or where I was, but it's all better now...

Yvonne, where can I learn this stuff?

PMS anyone?

2005-01-17T22:21:00.000-06:00

Ah hormones, what can't they do?

I've had a much nicer day today. I found time to eat breakfast before taking Matt to school this morning instead of waiting 'til later. I got my laundry washed and the kids' beds cleaned and remade before bedtime. I had supper ready on time. I had most of the supper prep. dishes washed before we sat down to eat. My menu plan was done in the afternoon, and the shopping list ready before 6:00. Doug even suggested that I take off right after supper to do the shopping instead of waiting until the boys were in bed. He'd take care of their baths and play with them. (And he washed up the dishes before I got home, too....)

WOW! I couldn't do that last week. But then last week I had PMS. Not so today. Today I am not superwoman, but I don't feel quite so "out of control".

And no,..... I am not going to start wondering what hormones will bring for me tomorrow.... I'm not done enjoying today, yet.

Oh Wisdom, where art thou?

2005-01-13T22:59:00.000-06:00

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Proverbs 4:7 (NIV)

Above all and before all, do this: Get Wisdom!
Write this at the top of your list: Get Understanding!

Proverbs 4:7 (Message)

My brain is mud. So much of the time I find myself listening to the stuff coming out of my mouth and I hear in my head "What are you doing? Don't you think you're overreacting a bit here?" Yet I don't seem to be able to stop. I know that's not entirely the case - I'm probably buying into some lies here, or at least only partial truths.... but I just feel out of control. I don't understand. I really need some wisdom.

I've spent the last four months or so in a constant state of high stress. I thought things would get better after the women's retreat, but I jumped right into Christmas stress. Now that's done and I thought I might feel better, but I don't. I can't believe how much time I spend feeling this way. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm having panic attacks. It's a strange sensation in the middle of my chest whenever I think about the stuff that isn't done and I can't go to bed until it is. I'm not talking about putting away the laundry, or vacuuming. I mean I can't go to bed until the breakfast table is set (Doug's been doing that one for me lately - thanks honey), and the lunches are made for the next day. There just isn't time in the morning for any of that. It HAS to be done before I can go to bed. And I can't do it until everyone is home so I can get the containers out of the lunchboxes and wash them. It's not a huge job, but I'm sooooo tired most of the time that it's hard to make myself go back downstairs to do it. (I have to wait upstairs until Matt falls asleep).

I'm trying to get to bed at a decent hour, and I even started getting up a bit earlier to do some Pilates until my shoulder/neck started to hurt. I need wisdom. I need understanding. I need to get a grip and stop complaining. And now, I need to go to bed.

Thanks for letting me vent.

What am I....stupid?

2005-01-07T21:31:00.000-06:00

Curiosity is a good thing for kids. It may kill the cat, but it's how kids learn. So why do I get so bent out of shape when my kids ask me questions?

Ok, let's be honest now. Matt's questions seem to have an intelligence to them. I can see where he's going. Maybe I just know him better, or naturally connect on a "first-born" level... I don't know...

Kelvin is a bit more foreign to me. I don't know if it's his language issues, his memory issues, or just my desire not to have my every move questioned.... I have trouble answering his questions. Not that I don't know the answers, but they just seem so obvious to me...

So here's my struggle: How do I keep the "what are you, ...stupid?" tone out of my answers?

Yesterday I was getting lunch ready. We were having the fresh bread from the breadmaker that morning. As I went to get it Kel asks "Can we have french bread?" I said: "No, we don't have any french bread. We're having this bread."

K: "Can we make french bread with that?"
me: "No, french bread is it's own kind of bread. You can't make it with another kind of bread."
me: (thinking that maybe he's got the wrong word....) "Do you mean french toast?"
K: "yeah, french toast."
me: "I don't make french toast, Daddy does"
K: "But you used to make it all the time!"
me: (getting really confused now, since I NEVER make french toast... What do I make sometimes....?) "Do you mean grilled cheese sandwiches?"
K: "yeah, can we have that?"
me: " I'll check to see if we have some cheese...."

*sigh* Ok, so that was a case of him not knowing the right word, but how DO you react when someone asks you if you can make french bread out of another kind of bread?

What about when they ask you where Daddy is when he's in another part of the house? Sorry, but I'm usually a bit snotty when I tell them I can't see through walls, why don't they go look for themselves. Hmmm.... maybe part of my problem is that I see an underlying laziness in my kids to search things out for themselves. They just want to be handed the answers, not actually work for them. Not that there's anything wrong with asking a question when you don't know something. I find it a good trait in my babysitters when they page me to ask how to deal with something.

So perhaps I need to find a balance. I don't want to stifle their curiosity. Sometimes I want to stimulate it. I guess I need to work on my responses in order to get the result I'm after. A "what are you.... stupid?" tone will shut them down and that's definitely NOT what I'm after. I want them to ask questions, but I also want them to work for their answers, and think about their questions. Why are they asking me things I can't possibly know? Why don't they know that I can't possibly know that?

I guess I just need to deal with my own irritations, and be prepared with a pleasant tone when they occur. Yeah, be prepared. After all, what am I... stupid?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

2004-12-13T22:45:00.000-06:00

Oy! I did it again!

Since it's Monday I made up my menu plan for the week, carefully prepared my list, grabbed my water jug, strapped on the boots and schlepped into my winter coat and headed out to the store. Without my list.

Now, if you've been reading this blog lately you know I have an enormous case of "Swiss Cheese Brain" at the moment. Forgetting the list could be tragedy in the making! So, what did I do? I was already a block away from the store when I realized I'd forgotten. It would take too much time to turn around and go back. I'd just wind up staying in, beating myself up (mentally - I'm far too much of a wimp to actually do myself any physical damage...), and being extra rushed and stressed tomorrow. So, instead I took a deep breath, figured out what my bottom line was (y'know, 'what do I need to make dinner tomorrow?'...), realized that I could remember a can of salmon, and headed off into the store to see what would come of it all.

I made it to both stores (always get my dairy at Safeway), and I'm home with all the stuff put away. I haven't even checked the list yet to see what I forgot. Could it be that I'm actually learning to be kind to myself? After all, what is really gained by the old "stupid! stupid! stupid!" game? It doesn't help me to remember any better.

I was reading an article somewhere lately (Please don't ask me to remember where or when...) about stress itself being a stressor. It was suggesting that the way we deal with daily stresses can either add or detract from our overall stress level. I was remembering times in my life when others around me were freaking out about things while I chose to just take them in stride. Wow, I can hardly believe that was me! Well, given how I've been approaching life lately.

So, today I took the missing list in stride. If I'd forgotten the cereal we'd all have survived. It's not like there's nothing else to eat in the house. I'd love for this attitude to just spread itself more into the rest of my life, but I have a hunch that this is a more deliberate thing. It doesn't seem to be in my nature at the moment. I'll have to keep choosing it. Talking myself through it.

Funny how we (read: I ) tend to give others so much more grace than we (I) give ourselves. I am my own worst critic. Ooooooohhhh, and all this time I thought it was my (extended) family... ;-) Time to give myself a break. That doesn't mean I'm going to let go of all expectations of myself, but I will try to go with the flow, pick up the pieces, and just keep swimming....

Man, I wish I could speak whale.....

Hair today, gone tomorrow...

2004-12-11T22:12:00.000-06:00

Actually, it's hair gone today. I managed to score a last minute appointment with my hairdresser, and on a Friday night no less! She must have had a cancellation. Yippee for me!

So, I am once again at home sporting far less hair on various parts of me than I had earlier this evening. Y'know, after the first pull waxing doesn't really hurt that much. Still, I prefer to have someone else do the pulling. This girl got so excited the first time I let her do my brows. She'd been after me for awhile and I finally gave in one day. You'd have thought it was her birthday!

*sigh* I'm going to miss her. Yeah. She just told me tonight that she's moving to Toronto just before Christmas. She did refer me to one of the other girls in the salon, but it's always a bit scary the first time you see a new stylist.

My grey is gone for the moment, but I'm not going to tell you what colour we used to do it. You'll just have to wait and see... I'm not all that thrilled with the colour at the moment, and I usually don't like the way she styles it, but I'm sure it will all look better in the morning. After I shower and fix it, that is.... not when I first roll out of bed.

Oh well, it is just hair, after all.... It grows and grows and then I can do more experimenting with it. I never did that in my teens, and hardly at all in my twenties. Guess I'm just a late bloomer that way.

Well gotta go do my "reveal" for the hubby. (Not that he really cares that much about hair...)

G'nite.

...and one for you,...

2004-12-08T08:11:00.000-06:00

This morning Matt picked up the candy canes from under the tree and showed me how many there were. Doug had told me they'd left some under there "for Santa". I mentioned that to Matt, and he said "no, they're not all for Santa". Then he proceeded to divvy them up.

"These are for Santa"

"These are for God"

"These are for Jesus"

"And these are for Mom"

What a sweetie!

"But the ones on the tree are ours".

Madame Gooseberry?

2004-12-06T21:38:00.000-06:00

Gooseberries are more of a sickly yellow colour, if my memory serves me (of course it does, who else would it serve?). That's a little closer to puce (see last entry if you're confused....).

So, it's evening now. The kids are in bed, finally asleep. Doug's on the other computer, winding down from his day. The grocery shopping is done.... well, .... The dishes need to be finished, lunches made, and the table set for morning before I can go upstairs, but for now I'm having my Pepsi (what a girl needs after shopping), an orange, and blogging away. Running on at the keyboard, if you will...

My darling took care of the boys' baths and suggested I finish my list and leave for shopping before they were in bed. I almost made it, too. I was headed for the door when we both realized that I'd forgotten to clean and remake the boys' beds. Still, I managed to get out about 1/2 hour earlier than usual, and since I didn't need water today I could go to Extra (close by) instead of making the trek out to Superstore.

Now, you'd think that with extra time to compose my list and more time at the store that I would remember everything. But you'd be wrong. Not only did I forget the whole wheat flour (didn't even make the list!), but a plethora of other needs. Some were even ON my list, and I STILL walked out of the store without them. Now, on top of making a list of what I can remember I forgot (welcome to my twisted brain), I have to hunt down a source of suet, and find a fresh turkey for the weekend after next(18th).

My muffins got made (a new recipe at that). And my bagels got done (I tried something else new this time, too). Once lunches are made they'll make their way to the freezer. We had that wonderful soup (Hamburger Minestrone - see Breathe recipe blog) and watched Kelvin sit at the table for about an hour not eating it. No biscuits, though. I ran out of table space to make them. Sometimes I miss my old kitchen....

So, could I save myself some energy and buy bagels and muffins and whole grain breads? Yeah. But I like to make my family fresh, healthy stuff. I've tried out quite a few new muffin recipes. We're not getting sick of banana muffins anymore... The breadmaker takes care of the bread. I just have to remember to load it. I like knowing exactly what's going into my family's tummies. As for the bagels, well that's my new passion. The bagels we like at Safeway were out of stock for a couple of weeks, so there was my chance to try out those recipes. Basically it's just bread dough, so my breadmaker can take care of the bulk of it. The difference is in how you cook it. Shaping it has taken some practice, but I've found a way that works without making them look like alien artifacts. Sadly, Kelvin is not able to assist me in the new method. His hands are just not big enough. Once they're shaped, you let them rise and start your water & sugar to boiling. Boil, drain, put on a cookie sheet and bake. It takes a bit of time, but they taste good. When I've got it down to a recipe I'm really happy with I'll post it on the recipe blog.

I shoveled snow three times today, and got everyone where they needed to be on time. Dinner was a little late, but no-one complained. About the time, anyway....

I suppose I should quit stalling and get back to work. Those dishes won't wash themselves (did I mention that my old kitchen had a dishwasher). And I need those water bottles clean, partially filled, and in the freezer so they can keep lunches cool tomorrow. That's the bare minimum. The food's put away, and I'm not doing anything now but stalling.................maybe if I just hide out it'll all get done on it's own .........................

is it working?................................

Nah, I didn't think so.

Hi ho, it's off to work I go.......

And it's taken me 1/2 an hour just to compose this....

Madame Blueberry?

2004-12-06T09:54:00.000-06:00

"I'm so blu-hoo-hoo, blu-hoo-hoo, blu-hoo-hoo-hoooooo, I'm so blue I don't know what to do...."

This morning, in the bathroom (where all good inspiration is found), I found myself thinking : "I wonder what colour you'd use to describe depression? Green is for jealousy, and red is for anger... Chocolate brown, maybe?.... Oh right. Blue. ..............Duh. .......................... Doesn't seem right, though. Blue is such a versatile colour. It goes with everything. I like blue. Doesn't everybody like blue? Why such a pretty colour for such a heavy feeling?" *sigh*

I don't feel like I have much to say about my life right now. I just feel blue. Overwhelmed by the immediacy of the demands of daily life.

Today we were almost late getting Matt to school because I stopped to shovel the driveway before we left. When we got home I figured we'd better do the sidewalks while I'm still dressed for outside. So Kelvin and I tackled them. Meanwhile, in the back of my head I know that I have to get the breadmaker loaded to make dough for bagels so Matt and Doug can have lunches this week. And it needs to get in quickly so I have time to boil them before taking Kelvin to school, and in the oven just before we leave. I also have to hurry to get the next load of bedding into the washer so I can get it all done and the load of clothes that's been waiting all weekend (since Kelvin has put holes in the knees of three pairs of pants in the last week, it becomes more urgent). I also need to make muffins this morning while the bagel dough is being made, since we are out of them and it's a lunch staple and part of Matt's routine.

That's just this morning's stress.

During the hour (or less, given the weather) between taking Kelvin to school and picking Matt up, I need to do my menu planning for the week, and make my shopping list. Will I remember that I need more whole wheat flour? What were those other things I came across during the week and noticed we needed more of, but forgot to write them down on the list at the time? Is there stuff in the fridge that needs to get used up before it goes bad?

What's for supper tonight? I should probably make that soup that keeps getting put off while the veggies are still good. Will I have energy for it this time? I haven't even looked at what my calendar says we have planned.

Oh yeah, I need to call Bonnie about watching Matt on Wednesday. Rats. I hate calling on the phone.

I wonder when I'm going to get to roll out and bake that gingerbread dough I have sitting in the fridge?

It's bath night, tonight. How much fighting are we going to have to do about who goes first?....

Will I get out in time tonight to make it to Extra Foods? Or will I have to trudge all the way over to Superstore? Why do they close at 9:00? At least it's better than taking the kids with me.

When I get home I get to unload all the groceries, make lunches (which usually entails washing out all the stuff I've forgotten in the lunch boxes), and set the table for breakfast. Then I get to go up to bed where Doug has probably gone to sleep already (since it's pretty late by now) and find my clothes for tomorrow, and my jammies in the dark, stumble to the bathroom hopefully not tripping on the Lego, and then crawl into bed remembering to set the alarm.

And I will get so overwhelmed by most of this stuff that I will shut down and hide out on the computer. I will browse your blogs, and play endless games of Civilization. Things will take longer than they need to, and I will generally make things worse for myself. I have routines that make sure the basics get done, but I still haven't been able to shut out the whole picture and just take baby steps so I don't get so overwhelmed.

My life is really not so bad. My kids are interesting. My husband is (I'm not supposed to say it or he'll be embarrassed). I have a decent home, and no real money worries. I have talents. I even have a few friends (some of whom nag me when I don't blog, but that's ok - I need the push).

So, maybe I'm not blue. Maybe I'm puce.

Cindy-lu who?

2004-11-23T15:06:00.000-06:00

No, I haven't disappeared from the face of the earth.

Thanks to those of you who've been prodding me to post. I don't really have much to say right now, and I have to leave the house again soon to go pick up my other kid from school. There's a lot of comings and goings in my day for a homebody such as me.

We've been dealing with some extended family stress, Doug's work stress, multiple doctor visits, and I'm definitely doing the old depression wrestle.

I'm pulling out of some things I've been involved with, and thinking about pulling out of others. My daily routine is necessary. Things get done, but I still feel overwhelmed on days like Mondays when I have to wash all the kids' bedding, menu plan for the week, and grocery shop after the kids are in bed on top of all the day to day stuff like washing clothes, dishes, making dinner, making sure lunches are made, making sure there's muffins and bread or bagels for said lunches, squeezing in some Christmas baking (I love that one - don't tell me it's one I can skip, OK), and making sure the table is set for breakfast before I go to bed. Last night I was almost in tears by the time I crawled into bed and at a pretty decent hour, too.

I'm sad, but I couldn't really tell you why. Matt's left the good part of the behaviour cycle and has given us a run for our money the last few weeks, though he seems to be settling down a bit now. I feel like I have a case of "Swiss cheese brain". I can't seem to remember anything.

Believe it or not, this doesn't actually have anything to do with Christmas. My "Bah Humbugging" pretty much left after we had Matt, though I can't say I'm overly excited about stuff this year. I'm hosting my family's dinner this year. If I hadn't we'd all be going out for pizza and bowling. Sorry, but I really LOVE a good turkey dinner, and I must say that I can actually deliver that.

So, that's where I've been. Just call me "Mary Sunshine". Well, at least don't call me late for a turkey dinner, okay?

Oh, and if you're wondering about the font size - this is for you, Sherr....

The Fatal Flaw...

2004-11-08T16:55:00.000-06:00

Yep, I've found it.

I have found the fatal flaw in all the child rearing theories. Including attachment parenting. (Sorry Jude)

Seems we all manage to forget the human component. It's always some variation of reaping what we sow.... but we're not growing plants, or programming computers, or getting dogs to salivate.... We're raising little people.

People. Don't ya just love us? We try really hard, and then we mess up. We even try to explain it away with lovely theories like "When we know to do better, we do better." As though we were unfamiliar with the cause of our downfall. And, sure, sometimes we are, but most of the time, I propose, we are simply human.

See, I know that if I go to bed at a decent hour, eat only healthy foods, get enough exercise, etc... that I will feel better and handle the adventures of life better. So, do I make the good choices? Sometimes. And sometimes I will just go for the Pepsi and peanutbutter cups and zesty Doritos, stay up until all hours blogging or playing computer games, and drive around the corner to 7-11. Why? Don't I get enough positive feedback from making the right choices? Sure I do. Don't I know better? Of course I do. I like how I feel and function when I'm doing what I know is good for me. Somehow that just isn't enough to keep me there.

So, I think I will TRY to have a little more grace for my kids when I think they should "know better". After all, they're just as human as I am....

Don't ya think?....

Lazy Bones

2004-10-27T23:12:00.000-05:00

I had one of those "Aha!" moments today.

As I was driving to pick Matthew up from school today I thought I'd take the time to pray. So I started in as usual, and I got to thinking about how I always ask God to help me be a better Mom. Anyone else do that?

Then it hit me. "Ummm.... I've already given you all the tools you need. You don't want me to HELP you be a better mom, you want me to do it FOR you."

D'OH!

Man, how many times have I found myself saying the same thing to my kids. You know: "I've already helped you by picking out your clothes. You don't need me to dress you, too. You're quite capable of doing that for yourself."

Hmmm.... Turns out, I'm just lazy. Not really that big of a revelation, just the context that's new. He's given me a mind with which to figure stuff out - like how to make and recognize good choices. He's given me a body that functions (well, most of the time, anyway...). And he's put love for my kids deep into my spirit, so I really do want what's good for them. AND He's there for me to lean on when I'm weak. What more am I expecting Him to do?! Snap his fingers and make me perfect? Hello.... it doesn't work that way.... value in the process, etc....

So, I guess it's time to get off my hiney(sp?) and get on with being faithful to what I know and what I've been given.

And right now that means going to bed and getting a decent night's sleep....

G'night.

At the Copa, Copa Cabana....

2004-10-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been awhile, so I suppose I should give you something to read, or you won't bother coming to visit.

Some of you are probably wondering why I haven't been blogging about our women's retreat. It is, after all, a pretty big deal for me, and I have been spending a lot of my time over the last couple months on it.

Well, it's over.

All that prep, stress, coronaries, psoriasis break-outs, and stress induced hair loss, and it's over. Just like that. I'm not even fully sure what happened. I've heard a lot of feedback, and it all had some good in it. (Sure, who's gonna beat this dead horse and tell her she did a horrible job and should be flogged. You're all just too nice, that's what it is.)

Let's see. The speaker was good at what she did. She was just a bit off target from what I had envisioned for the weekend. I know her style isn't for everyone, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking focus. I was looking for teaching on why we are all inherently valuable and on equal footing with everyone else. Self-image stuff. Knowing the "how-to's" of tending your spirit is good, but if you don't feel like you're worth tending then it's just useless info. File it away and shut down your brain and your spirit.

Yvonne told us during worship on Saturday evening to close our eyes and listen to see if God would tell us what the thing is that's blocking us. I did hear a word, but I assumed it was just for me, so I didn't share it. Maybe I was wrong. What I heard was "doubt", or perhaps more accurately "self-doubt". I was blocked because I really didn't think that God would actually come and have something for me.

I spent a lot of the weekend struggling with the same self-worth issues I hashed out on the Breathe blog a while back. I had to keep reminding myself that I am made in the image of God. It was the whole concept of the Celtic view of Christianity that sees the image of God first in a person instead of seeing the sin first that has impacted me so much since I heard Jan teach about it at Breathe. That's why I was excited about having her come. I expected more of that teaching. I guess she was given a different perspective on our vision for the weekend. I wasn't in charge of relating the vision to the speaker.

The food was good. The facilities were as good as I remembered them. Even the nursing moms seemed to be OK with their room sharing arrangements. I heard people laugh that first night, so I guess I don't have to worry about looking silly in front of people. They seem to like it. Hmmm... I wonder what accent I should use next year...

I had a lot of good people working with me this year. Fresh ideas and enthusiasm were really a treat. Not to say that there weren't problems or issues, but this is not the forum for that.

Don't ask me about next year, yet. I'm still trying to calm down my psoriasis and replant hair on my head. I think I'll take some from my overgrown legs...Speaking of my head, will someone PLEASE help me get "Copa Cabana" out of it?!!

Men are from....

2004-10-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

Aliens.

I've said it many times, and I'm standing by it.

Boys are aliens.

And men are just grown up boys.

I don't get it. What's with you guys? (Don't pretend like you're not reading this. I know there's at least one of you checking out what this weird chick has to say.)

Women. We long for community, so we create it. We have groups for moms, Women's retreats, Spring Flings... I'd bet that housegroup was a woman's idea. We even do blogs for community's sake instead of for debating ideas.

Men. OK, so this is a generalization, I'll admit it. I'll be completely up front about it and acknowledge that you probably don't ALL feel this way, but... There just seem to be so many of you wandering around, desperate for deep, brotherly relationship, without any idea of how to go about it. And those who may have ideas are too shy or burned out to want to organize and implement them. Have you given up? What will it take? Can we help you?

See, I really don't understand the male mind on this matter. Can you help me?

We used to get a comment on our retreat feedback sheets that said we should do a men's retreat. Our thought was "Great idea! They should have a retreat, but they need to be the ones to organize it."

I'm getting tired of seeing my husband retreat into himself, missing his brothers desperately, and not knowing how to make that connection with anyone else. I'd sure appreciate insight from anyone who can shed some light on this for me.

Foiled again.

2004-10-04T22:22:00.000-05:00

Yuck.

Sick again.

I spent most of Saturday in bed with a nasty headache. I'm beginning to wonder what differentiates a migraine from a regular headache. I did better on Sunday and managed to clean up the playroom and both boys' rooms. Today I'm somewhere in between, so I haven't managed to get much more than laundry done today.

On the plus side, I did manage to get a whole lot of knitting done on Saturday - when I could manage to sit up.

Sunday was Doug's birthday. A big one. He's 40 now. (Shhhh... don't tell anyone 'k?) I wanted to throw him a party, but life has a way of going on and party planning is something I haven't done in a very long time. I threw him a GREAT surprise party for his 30th, but it just hasn't been the same since we've been here in the 'peg. I really don't know who I'd invite. He just doesn't have a lot of friends outside of a few from work. Church has been such a challenge for him, and I know he feels really disconnected. He's genuinely surprised when I tell him someone asked about him. So, in the end, we went out (all of us) for dinner, and I never even got the cake made (I make a really cool birthday cake).

Wednesday will be our anniversary. We have a regular sitter for Thursday, so we'll go out then. If I'm not bedridden again by that time.

Well, I'd better mosey on, now. I still have Doug's lunch to make and the breakfast table to set before I can go to bed. Here's hoping for a healthier, more productive tomorrow.

Shooting my mouth off

2004-09-28T22:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm positively anal about kids not playing with guns. Sadly, in this instance, I am not a single parent and therefore my views get tempered by those of the other parent. You know, the one who goes out and buys computer games about hunting which he plays with our obsessive little six-year-old.

So, I've managed to come around to the fact that kids (boys especially) will make guns out of just about anything. And I've realized, thanks to said other parent, that by totally banning the nasty things we only make them more desirable. Thus, I have reluctantly resigned myself to the idea of teaching them about the proper uses of guns. Hunting. Animals only.

As we were driving home from the Snake Dens the other weekend I found my kids pointing toys and "shooting" at other vehicles. I had lectured Kelvin a couple of times earlier that day about never pointing guns at people. So, in my frustration, I told him " If I see you shooting at people I will take away whatever you are using as a gun!"

Matthew, without skipping a beat, pipes up with "What if it's just my hand?"

Nuts.

I just hid my face, shook my head, and laughed as silently as I could. Doug too. It's not fair. He's not supposed to outsmart us yet, is he?

Man, I feel old.

Sam I am

2004-09-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

Never underestimate the creative capacity of a Father.

Saturday mornings Doug often lets me wake up slowly while he gets breakfast done for the boys. Sometimes he'll take them out to Mc y'know, but usually we just leave the table set and milk in the fridge so they can help themselves.

Last Saturday I came downstairs to find my dearest feeding my children green eggs and ham. I kid you not. The man dumped green food colouring into the scrambled eggs and my kids ate 'em. I think Kelvin even asked for more.

Just when you think you've seen everything....

'nake dens

2004-09-22T23:26:00.000-05:00

Yep. It's that time of year again. Time for the drive up to Narcisse for our semi-annual snake pilgrimage.

It's amazing to watch my guys really be boys and catch all the snakes they can find. Doug taught them well, so they aren't just running over and stomping on them. No, they usually get one or two and carry them around from den to den. Of course, when we get to a den with lots of activity they MUST see just how many they can get.

Funny, they haven't really made any fuss about me not carrying any. I'll touch 'em, but I have NO interest in carrying them. This trip I was the one with the camera, so when they offered I had a very plausible excuse.

Before we went out for our first visit (Matt was about one and we've gone twice a year ever since), I was a little worried about what snake dens might look like. I was NOT into having snakes slithering around my feet, or crossing my path. It's just not that bad. The only times I've almost run into them were when I was trying to take pictures. The walk is nice. It's good exercise in fresh air, and the self-esteem it provides for the boys is well worth the drive.

So, I thought I'd post some pics for anyone who hasn't just assumed I've dropped off the face of the earth, blogwise.

2004-09-22T23:25:00.000-05:00

"All that snake catchin' has me plum tuckered out!"

2004-09-22T23:24:00.000-05:00

"Trade ya!"

2004-09-22T23:23:00.000-05:00

"He likes me, Mom!"

2004-09-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

"Yup, I can win this here snake eating contest easy!"

Ah, sick!....

2004-09-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

Seems like a week of illness around here. Yep, must be a change of season.

Kelvin was home from school Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. He just had his first day of school today.

Matt started coughing after school on Tuesday so he's been home the last two days and might be here again tomorrow if the night's bad.

Doug even came home sick on Wednesday to sleep.

Me.... so far, so good. Lunches are being made, dishes are being washed, I'm getting to bed a little earlier, and I even managed to use my treadmill this morning. Vitamin C is my friend. I better not get sick tomorrow 'cause Johan asked me to sing tomorrow night and I had to cancel on him the last time he asked because I was sick and had no voice. I don't want him to think I don't want to sing with him....

Well, I must gather the clean laundry and head to bed. If I can get there in the next little bit I can get up for the treadmill again tomorrow.

G'nite

To sit, or not to sit...

2004-09-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

The deed is done.

Matt had his first full day of school on Friday. I survived. Of course, the teacher needed to talk to me for awhile when I went to pick him up....

First day of school. Special class for his needs. STILL I need to talk to the teacher on the first day. Nothing really major.

See, some kids with FAS are particularly sensitive to environmental factors, like texture. She needed to know if Matt has a sensitivity to carpets. Nooooooo. Seems Matt was unwilling to sit on the carpet at all that day. He sat fine in the gym for their assembly (ASSEMBLY ! On the FIRST day of school?!), but wouldn't sit for carpet time. The teacher had the kids sit on the carpet so they could go one at a time to wash their hands and get their lunches. Sounds simple. Immediate payoff for compliance. Would he sit? Nope. Not my kid. We're trying really hard to make sure he knows he has to go along with the routine this year, so the teacher told him "all you have to do is touch your bum to the carpet". And she sat and waited with him. 35 minutes she waited with him. Finally they let him go eat and decided to ask me if there was anything they needed to know about Matt and carpets.

Yep. That's my boy. Funny how two kids without my genetic makeup can each have such a strong portion of my stubbornness. Yes, Kelvin will stand his ground, too.

So, that was our first day.

I actually wrote about this once, but lost the entry when I went to spellcheck it.

Tomorrow is supposed to be Kelvin's first day, but he's got a nasty cold, so we may have to wait a day or two. No point infecting all the other kids right at the beginning. Besides, it's kindergarten.

Baby Blues

2004-09-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

Not what you're thinking....

My baby (well, both of them, actually) is going back to school this week.

Kelvin will be in Kindergarten, so he'll only be gone for the afternoons. I can deal with that. We've done it with at least one of them for the last two years.

Matthew will be gone all day. He won't even be home for lunch. This is the last week I get to have lunch with my baby. And I don't even get Friday to do that.

I know, Matt's my oldest, so why do I refer to him as my baby? Simple. When Kelvin came to live with us he was nearly two years old. Sweet and precious, but not really a baby. Matt is likely the only baby I will ever have. No one knows him better than I do. There's just a different bond with us.

Next year Kelvin will go to grade one, and he'll be gone the whole day, too, but at least he'll come home for lunch. I'll have a chance to connect with him in the middle of the day. And Kelvin has better social skills than Matt does, so I'm less concerned about how he's relating to the kids he's with. I also have more opportunity to get involved with his class, and see who his friends are and how his teacher relates to them.

*sigh....* Life doesn't stop just because we hit a comfortable spot, so..... I guess I just have to take a deep breath and jump right into this phase, 'cause it's not going to wait for me, and I don't want to miss it.

A Peelin'

2004-08-31T22:47:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just watch or listen to your kids and giggle?

Kelvin has been entertaining me lately.

A few weeks back he decided he doesn't like peels on things anymore. He started asking me to peel his apples, and if I forget, or don't feel like the extra work he will eat the apple right up to the peel, and leave it in the bowl. OK, I thought.... whatever....

Then we had fruit salad with our supper one night. I looked over to see a growing pile of green stuff on Kelvin's plate. Turns out he was eating just the "insides" of his grapes!

Tonight was when it hit me that this really was funny, and not something to bug him about. We had mixed veggies with supper tonight. Once again I looked across the table to see a pile of green. He was taking the "peels" off his peas! I picked up my cup to hide the silent laughter, but I was definitely shaking as I caught Doug's eye.

What they don't come up with....

I've been enjoying them so much lately, I'm really not looking forward to school starting next week.